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Ciara's parenting journal

Entry 3
~ Something

Couch CutieMy first hint that I might be losing it came when John yelled back during a fight, "You haven't been the same person since Dylan was born!" Many people have said that having a baby will change you forever. I didn't think it would change me into this mean, suspicious, and sad person. I am great with our son Dylan. I always have all the patience in the world for him. Maybe because I give all my happiness and patience to him is why I have none for everyone else?

All the stress of John being laid-off, going back to work when I didn't plan to, us still living in a townhouse with a rent we cannot afford, and all the responsibilities and decisions that come with being a mom is hard to handle. Sometimes I get so depressed I feel like the whole world is closing in on me. I don't know what to do.

Dylan and DaddyI am happy when I am with Dylan. Sometimes he is awake early and I can spend time with him before going to work. The moment I am in my car I immediately feel down like a weight has been slammed back on my shoulders. It is very bad while I am at work. The simplest things make me feel like crying. The clock goes too slow. I love getting picture messages from John of Dylan but they make me miss him even more. Then it's time to leave and I partly dread it because John and I fight so much that I don't like coming home to him. But I need to be with Dylan and I spend every moment I can with him. Once I am home he is all mine! When he goes to bed at night I am sad because I am only truly happy around him.

I get short with John. I am very angry at him for the smallest things he does. I grumble, complain, and nag a lot. If he does something with Dylan that I don't like I yell at him. I am so annoyed with him all the time. Then there are times that I am completely happy with him and everyone. It's so strange. Mostly I just take it day by day.

Mommy and DylanDylan is wonderful. He rolled over once! I actually caught it on video and then cried after because I was so proud of him. Since then he hasn't tried to roll over any more. We give him plenty of belly time.

At Dylan's 4 month check up he was 17 lbs 9 oz and 27 inches long! We think he's going to be a very tall boy. Most outfits he fits in now are 9-12 months size. He is very lean and muscled for a baby. The doctor said he has good tone. He loves to stand up and walk (with me holding him of course!). I am always surprised at how much bigger he is now compared to when he was born.

It's really cute when Dylan makes noises. He found his voice and likes to coo, laugh, and squeal now. We copy his sounds and he gets a kick out of that! He started playing with his gym mat a lot and loves grabbing things and tasting everything. Sometimes if your face, hand, or hair is near he will start munching!

Dylan with Mommy's hairWe are so proud of everything he does. Dylan figured out sleeping through the night all on his own. I put him in his crib at night and he falls asleep. For some reason he likes to put the blanket over his face when he sleeps. We pull it off but he just pulls it over his face again. At first I was really concerned because of SIDS and thought about taking his blanket away but that's how he gets himself to sleep.

With each day Dylan grows more and more. We always pull through all the bad times because of him. He is the light of our lives and the source of our happiness!


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