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Ciara's parenting journal

Entry 8 - May 12, 2011
~ Life is Grand, You Understand

We have had so much going on these past months! Dylan is 9 months old. He is growing, learning, and trying to crawl. He hasn't figured it out yet but I am sure any day now he will. He gets in position and rocks so far. Then he either goes face first into the floor or puts his legs down. I am not worried about his development. I am happy to wait for the crawling stage as long as possible! He already wiggles his way all over the floor. Luckily my mom gave me two child gates so when he gets going I can trap him in the living room.

I stopped pumping shortly before our move into our new house. It just was too much hassle everyday. We were so busy with the house I wouldn't have had time. It was hard getting the milk to stop flowing! I pumped less and less and then stopped. The first night I was in pain. After a few weeks I felt mostly normal (besides a little more sagging then before).

The move was crazy and stressful. We had so many family members and friends helping! We painted all the rooms, put laminate flooring in all the rooms, and tile in the baths and kitchen. Without the help we could never have finished all that in a week! Dylan was here the first day and very upset with all the noise. One of his grandmas watched him the next couple of days. Once everything was painted I stayed home with him. We really became professionals at painting, installing floors, and everything!

Our first nights here Dylan would wake up at 3 o'clock in the morning. We think it was because of the cats meowing for attention. We put them on the back porch at night now. They love it! Most nights they run to the back door to be let out. We have a big screened in porch and lots of lizards for them to chase.

We are so happy here. Dylan and our kitties (our other babies) are happy here. It is wonderful to be in this neighborhood close to where we grew up. Now we are closer to family.

The Monday after our move was John's first day as a pool service technician. He loves his new job. It is so much more relaxed and easy. Now that he has a work truck we are selling his car and then trading in the family car for something bigger. I am looking for a seven seat car. I don't want a huge SUV but definitely a crossover. Dylan's car seat takes up so much room still since we want him rear-facing for as long as possible. The passenger seat is pushed up so far that one of us always sits in the back with him.

John sits in back all the time now that I mainly drive. Since I am doing the at home daycare I am stuck home all day everyday unless we go grocery shopping. I love being at home but I do feel like I need to get out more! I am currently watching one 7 month old baby boy, Jordan. It is the best job I have ever had! I love getting up each morning and taking care of these adorable and funny kids! Dylan is learning how to share and socialize. Jordan is only 2 months younger but so tiny for his age. He does have a loud yell that makes Dylan cry. Dylan is getting used to him coming over a lot. If Jordan cries then Dylan cries. Most of the time they just play together and make me laugh all day. Dylan likes to steal toys right out of Jordan's hands. Now Jordan is learning how to steal them back!

I was washing dishes in the kitchen and there is a window so I can keep an eye on them playing on the floor at the same time. Jordan was kind of whining when I finished and I came over to see what he needed. Dylan had a pacifier in his mouth and then I notice it wasn't his! He had stolen it right out of Jordan's mouth and popped it in his! It was just too funny! The part that made me laugh the most was the expression on both their faces. Jordan was grunting and looking sad at Dylan. Dylan had a cute and evil look on his face equivalent to "nah nah nah nah nah naaahhh". I really enjoy watching Jordan since he is younger than Dylan and going through all the same phases and things that Dylan has already gone through. I feel like a baby expert now! I am able to give his mom advice on how to get Jordan to sleep through the night, start eating solids, drinking from a sippy cup, and etc. I feel like it is my second chance to do it better than I did with Dylan now that I have all this experience under my belt. I love my job!

Quitting work was not difficult. I do miss socializing with adults a bit. When John is home I am a chatter-box. Mostly we talk about our day and I eat up every minute of it. I think John is a little annoyed sometimes because I keep him from relaxing. I do talk a lot with Jordan's parents when they drop him off and pick him up. Also John's dad comes over once or twice a week to spend time with Dylan and I can chat with him. I love talking to the babies and teaching them things but need that adult conversation whenever I can get it.

I am trying to keep my brain active. I'm sure other stay-at-home moms have dealt with the same "mind melting" that I've been dealing with. After watching nothing but Thomas the Train all day long, five days a week, I am losing brain cells! It is a good show for the kids and I keep it on for background noise. However, I find myself not have good talking words (ok I did that on purpose) and my math skills are pretty shot too. It is also difficult for me to remember what day of the week or month it is and even what year it is! I seriously was writing on a calendar all April and when I went to May I finally figured out I was in the wrong year! I'm not kidding! It took five minutes of staring at 2012 and then I pulled up the calendar on my iPod.

The depression issues were getting better. I don't know why this week it has changed for me. I felt back to "normal" for a while. These past few days I have been weepy, scared, having trouble falling asleep again, anxious, and just overall sad for no reason. The worst part of it is having all these resources to talk to: husband, friends, family, counselors and yet I'm just scared to say I need help. I feel like I am constantly being a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, and never having the time to just be me. If I ever take time for myself I feel horrible like I am selfish and a bad wife, mother, daughter . . . you get the point. I want to relax and sometimes I do relax but never completely. Once I do then something comes up that needs my attention. I wish I could have a whole day off but I wouldn't enjoy it! Does that make sense? Please someone tell me I am not alone and this is just a natural part of motherhood!

I was so antsy these past days. I just wanted to get in the car and drive but I don't know where I would go. Most likely to the pet store to get crickets for the gecko, and then grocery store to pick up the pizza sauce we forgot last night, ending with the baby thrift store to get more shorts for my growing boy.

I hate to end this on a bad note. We love our new house, jobs, and all the new developments in our son. Every day is great. I just don't feel great all the time.


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