Being a mom is one of the best roller coasters one can ever hope to ride. My kids bring such joy and at other moments make me want to pull my hair out. I have to remind myself that I know they have their frustrating moments with me as well and often give them kudos (along with my husband) for their patience and indulgence of my occasional mood swings.
Yesterday was a difficult day. My foster son made a very poor choice at school regarding his behavior and followed it up with another poor choice at home. To begin with both Bill and I lost our temper and quickly realizing that this was not going to solve anything, I took Bill into our bedroom so we could cool off and figure out how to handle this particular situation. Bill was understandably ticked (sorry this is so vague but I have to keep this somewhat unspecified). So I came up with the decision and went back to speak to him. I was cool, calm and collected in our discussion but afterwards locked myself in the bathroom and just sobbed. It is difficult to feel like I am the diplomat and disciplinarian; keeping the conversation open, making a judgment and enforcing the consequences.
Anyway, so I'm in the bathroom sobbing, trying to pull myself together and while I would really like to just let this all out in my own space, poor Bill is trying to make me feel better, but it's having the opposite effect. Does anyone know what I'm talking about here?
The thing that really set me off was when I was telling him that it is a difficult day because it is the 10 month anniversary of Mychaela's death, my neighbor's daughter just had a baby girl and showed me the pictures, the issue with our son was just more crap that sent me to the emotional edge. Bill looked confused and said, "Babe, it's not 10 months." To which I responded, "Today is February 21st, April 21st will be 12 months. I can't believe you would doubt me on knowing this."
Still concerned he asked, "How long will you keep track of time?"
"I don't know, maybe I'll be better after a year."
The difficult thing about all of this is that having Kathryn, who is two, each month really solidifies itself in my heart and mind, as I remember what I did with her and what I am missing with her sister. I also know that I have hope in being able to make these memories with her brother.
Kathryn is so sweet, but she found my digital camera and found Mychaela's pictures that I can never erase and said, "Mom, mom, Baby Liam." I just smile and say, "That's Baby Mychaela, your sister. Baby Liam is in my tummy. Where's Baby Liam?" And Kathryn gives my tummy a big hug. Hugs are the best.
For those of you who are experiencing a pregnancy after loss, I know that you understand where I am coming from. There are ups; the movement of life inside of you, new hopes and dreams that you hide in your heart, and even the nausea to reassure you that you are indeed pregnant. There are the downs; mourning your lost baby, feelings as if you are betraying the baby who is no longer here and at the same time feeling as if you are not giving your new baby the best that you can at the beginning of their life.
Being a mom will be the best roller coaster ride of your life and every joy or pain is a sacrifice well worth it.