Week 28 ~ March 12, 2008
~ Vacation here I come!
First, I apologize if next week there is not a new posting, but we will be out of town celebrating my grandfather's 90th birthday! But I do promise to post some pictures of the event and so you can see how Baby William has grown (so much nicer than saying, "My Elizabeth, you are looking rather plump today.").
Spring is upon us in the Northwest and I feel a great relief and also a deep sorrow as I begin to work through the one year mark of Mychaela's passing. I wish I could say that the blooming flowers and singing birds make everything happy, but the reality is I think of the irony of how this time of year marks new life and my baby is dead.
Don't get me wrong, I am blessed, despite everything that the year 2007 brought our way God has been so faithful to our family and it is one of the things I struggle with as I ponder loss and abundance. I am finding an anger that is starting to emerge and it is somewhat disappointing as I thought I had "dealt" with that aspect of the grieving process. I will get so excited about feeling William kick, looking for the perfect nursery set for him, hearing his heart each week at the NST appointments and sometimes will have the flip side of missing the movement of Mychaela, the beautiful nursery set that is up in my attic in an empty bassinet, and the sorrow of silence on the fetal heart monitor.
Most of these feelings I push aside and do not share, I have a family that needs me to be a whole person, I have a baby boy that is going to be relying on me to be there as a mother, and I am so afraid of being a failure. I think that as April approaches I am going to go back to the counselor I had seen around this time last year to try and sort through all this emotional resurfacing.
All this to say, I am really looking forward to this vacation time with my family, I really do have lots of times where I am busy and happy as a wife and mother, and that in the midst of pain and sorrow there is still hope and healing. I know it sounds cliché, but it is just how things are.
I'll keep you all updated as soon as I get back!!!