Week 33 ~ April 17, 2008
~ The Head Doctor and Braxton-Hicks
Monday, April 21st, is almost here. That is the day when my baby Mychaela Joelle should have been celebrating her first birthday. Instead I am arranging a remembrance ceremony for our immediate family to honor her memory. I'm sure that I will write more on this next week.
So with the year anniversary approaching I have found myself quick to anger and issues that I thought I had buried are resurrecting; the guilt, the shame, the hurt and the pain. I find myself choking back tears that threaten to burst through the fašade I have worked so hard to build.
With Liam's birth quickly approaching I am desperate to try and control this grief that has resurrected itself in my life and all of a sudden I realized that I can't do this on my own. I need to make sure that I have a support structure for whatever may occur and so I picked up the phone book and made an appointment with Christian Psychological Services.
The first appointment is always such a strain, giving one's history, trying to explain without breaking down why you are there and knowing that one sit down with a PH.D isn't going to cure my grief and recognizing that my busy schedule has kept me from the work I need to do to continue working through this process. I am proud to say that this is a self-realization and not something suggested by another. None knows me better than myself and business is a way to not have to deal, to pour yourself into others needs and attentions so that you can neglect the pain still resides in my hurting heart.
What if they place Liam in my arms and I just weep for Mychaela? Poor baby boy, will start off life with his crazy mom. Thankfully, with the weekly NSTs I have become familiar with most of the nursing staff and I plan on visiting them on Mychaela's birthday with some flowers to thank them for their care and compassion.
Anyway, I have determined to attend at least 5 sessions with the head doctor. Previously, I had seen someone else twice but stopped going as it was not particularly helpful to me at the time, or rather, I wasn't quite ready to do some soul searching.
On a higher note, the braxton-hicks contractions are in full force and there are times when I need to just lay down and breathe only to find that upon standing up to play with Kathryn or going to clean bring them on again. I am constantly keeping track of Liam's kicks and know that each squeeze tightening around my abdomen means that I am coming closer to meeting the little man inside. I find myself between excitement and anxiety as his birth approaches and praying for peace to find me.