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Elizabeth's Pregnancy Journal

Week 33 ~ April 17, 2008
~ The Head Doctor and Braxton-Hicks

Monday, April 21st, is almost here. That is the day when my baby Mychaela Joelle should have been celebrating her first birthday. Instead I am arranging a remembrance ceremony for our immediate family to honor her memory. I'm sure that I will write more on this next week.

So with the year anniversary approaching I have found myself quick to anger and issues that I thought I had buried are resurrecting; the guilt, the shame, the hurt and the pain. I find myself choking back tears that threaten to burst through the fašade I have worked so hard to build. With Liam's birth quickly approaching I am desperate to try and control this grief that has resurrected itself in my life and all of a sudden I realized that I can't do this on my own. I need to make sure that I have a support structure for whatever may occur and so I picked up the phone book and made an appointment with Christian Psychological Services.

The first appointment is always such a strain, giving one's history, trying to explain without breaking down why you are there and knowing that one sit down with a PH.D isn't going to cure my grief and recognizing that my busy schedule has kept me from the work I need to do to continue working through this process. I am proud to say that this is a self-realization and not something suggested by another. None knows me better than myself and business is a way to not have to deal, to pour yourself into others needs and attentions so that you can neglect the pain still resides in my hurting heart.

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What if they place Liam in my arms and I just weep for Mychaela? Poor baby boy, will start off life with his crazy mom. Thankfully, with the weekly NSTs I have become familiar with most of the nursing staff and I plan on visiting them on Mychaela's birthday with some flowers to thank them for their care and compassion.

Anyway, I have determined to attend at least 5 sessions with the head doctor. Previously, I had seen someone else twice but stopped going as it was not particularly helpful to me at the time, or rather, I wasn't quite ready to do some soul searching.

On a higher note, the braxton-hicks contractions are in full force and there are times when I need to just lay down and breathe only to find that upon standing up to play with Kathryn or going to clean bring them on again. I am constantly keeping track of Liam's kicks and know that each squeeze tightening around my abdomen means that I am coming closer to meeting the little man inside. I find myself between excitement and anxiety as his birth approaches and praying for peace to find me.

~ Elizabeth

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