Week 34 ~ April 24, 2008
~ Mychaela's First Birthday Remembrance
April 21st was tough. It started off "normal" until I dropped my little Kathryn off with her Aunt and started my day alone to prepare, remember and reflect. I picked up a beautiful bouquet of flowers for the nurses at Legacy and wrote them a thank you card. I dropped it off trying not to cry, saying, "I just wanted to drop these off to say thank you, and I'm going to talk really fast so I don't freak out all the new mothers that are here, but I really appreciate how you all treated my daughter Mychaela who would have been one. Read the card, I'm going to go to the chapel and cry now."
One of the nurses gave me a big hug and rubbed my belly which made me smile and I told them I'd see them May 29th.
I went to the chapel at the hospital which is very calming and empty so I had a good cry and talked with Mychaela about the excitement and love we had that day, the disappointment and heartache, and how we still miss her.
Afterwards I went to my favorite spa for a 90 minute massage and had another good cry and some relaxation, came home, set up the pictures, flowers, candles and balloons and cried some more. I realized that I had held a lot of emotions in and I'm sure that I'll talk about that with the head doctor today.
I had invited my parents and siblings, Bill's parents, and Barbara whom I had asked to be Mychaela's god-mother. Everyone came except Bill's parents. I guess that as they were coming down their hill his mom slid out on some ice so she called to say that they would not be coming. I tried to remember what Dr. Laura said and was gracious on the phone, but inside I wasn't surprised. I have attempted several times to involve them and each time there is a reason for not making it. While I do not believe that my mother in-law is being malicious, it still is a rejection. The truth is I will never feel as if I can be open with them in regards to anything dealing with Mychaela, which means that I will be withholding a part of myself, but strangely I'm not sad about it. It just is what it is and I have no energy to worry about it. It was nice to get together with everyone. We said Psalm 23 out loud together, and a little remembrance thing I had written as we lit candles. We wrote on our balloons and set them free. I cried some more.
I think the stress of everything leading up to and culminating to an end started to be released since I proceeded to throw up before going to bed and of course, cried a little more. I washed my face, went downstairs, gave Bill a big ol' hug, scooped up Kathryn and the three of us cuddled until she fell asleep.
Actually looking back, for me, it was a good day. Since I was in the hospital it was the first time in a year I could spend a whole day thinking about Mychaela. I really needed that. Below is the remembrance I wrote for her balloon release:
We are all here to remember you today. In some way your life and silent birth has touched us all. I cannot believe that today you would have been a year old! I often wonder what there is to learn from all of this and still struggle to find meaning at times, but Mychaela you have made me more aware of living. Your life has deepened my soul and humanity.
Today we should be helping you blow out a solitary candle and giving gifts, but instead we light these candles in your memory and release these balloons in love.
With time, I pray to God for healing our hearts, but because of you our hearts will be forever changed.
Happy Birthday Mychaela Joelle Sloan.
It's official, May 29th 2008 Liam Michael will be delivered! He's moving around a ton and he's in perfect health! Next week will be all about Baby Liam and his daily rumblings!