Entry 20 ~ January 26, 2011
How Can it Be?
This past month was a rough one on us. At the beginning of January, we experienced a miscarriage. I have come to really hate that word actually. It sounds so impersonal and clinical. The truth is, we lost our baby. In December, my period came and went as normal. I had two full cycles since Titus was born (it started when he was eleven months old), and they were both twenty eight days apart. This was my third cycle at twenty eight days. On December twenty-fourth, which was twenty one days after my period had come, I started spotting lightly and had cramps and backaches. I assumed the spotting was possibly due to implantation bleeding, since I had my suspicions we were expecting. I took a pregnancy test a little early on December twenty-ninth, (I was supposed to test on the 31st) and it showed a positive test, but with a very faint line.
I waited through the weekend, and on Monday January third, I took another test and it was positive again, but still very faint. I really had expected to see a darker line, since the hormone levels should have been quite a bit higher by then, but that was not the case. In my mind, I knew I was pregnant, but things just were not making sense. I kept having this stupid nagging feeling that maybe the pregnancy tests were just not very sensitive, and so I went and bought new ones but again I had the same results. Then I thought that maybe my period was just that screwed up, but that didn't explain the pregnancy results. Four tests with faint lines. In the past when I had been pregnant and taken a test, the lines were always much darker.
Then, on January fifth, I started bleeding very heavily. Usually my period starts out a little slow and kind of eases into things, but not this time. Instead, it started with very heavy bleeding and lots of clotting. Through this whole time, I had this thought of a miscarriage keep entering my mind, especially since the spotting had lasted so long. I had spotting for a week and a half, but it was light and somewhat intermittent. I just had all these mixed feelings and again more crazy thoughts (not at all rational thinking going on here) about if my period was just out of whack. Again, that didn't even make since with the pregnancy test results, but I think somehow subconsciously I was just putting this horrible thought as far back in my mind as it would go so maybe, just maybe, I wouldn't have to go there. Since thankfully this is an area I have had no experience in, I decided to do some research on it. It didn't take long to feel very confident that this is what happened.
Soon after that, I told Jeremy what had happened. We spent a while just crying together. That was pretty tough! To think of this precious, precious little life that we will never get to hold in our hands was very difficult. We also went ahead and told our parents. Again, very difficult phone calls.
Over the next couple of days, there were so many thoughts and questions that flooded my mind. Why did this happen? Did I do something to cause this? Did I not do something I should have to cause this? Should I not have gone outside and split wood? Should I have taken more prenatal vitamins? Should I have been eating better food at the time? Is there something physically wrong with my body? And worst of all, is it going to happen again? When I step back and really think seriously about all of these questions, I know in my heart that all of these things are just stupid little nagging thoughts to make me feel bad. But, it's still hard to not go there.
Jeremy and I have always wanted a big family, but this thought of possibly going through this again sounds terrifying. I know that every pregnancy poses that risk and that my children are absolutely worth it, but that pain of losing a little one is tremendous. I have always felt very bad for those who have gone through this, but there is nothing like actually being there yourself. I do not love this little one any less than my other three, but that being said, I also know that it would have been much, much harder had I actually felt my little one move, and again to have held them in my arms. I'm very thankful for not having to go through that and my prayers are with those who do. What a difficult time that would be.
We decided to go ahead and pick out names for our little one. It's tough to name a baby we don't get to hold, but it is something we felt important to do. I know that there will be more challenging times of the year, like when my sister-in-law gives birth to her baby in August, and one month later, we won't have our sweet little one to hold. I'm sure there will be all kinds of what-ifs and how old would he or she be right now, but I just have to remember that thankfully, God will get us through this. I'm so glad we have Him to help us through times like this!
Through all of this, little Titus decided to stop nursing. I know that when Isabelle was thirteen months old, she stopped nursing, and a few days later I found out I was pregnant. I think that the milk changed and she was just not interested. Titus did the same thing, despite many attempts on my part, he would have nothing to do with it. This was all during the same week we lost our little one. I know that it is easier for Titus to make the decision instead of me, but it was just not what I needed that week.
I hope that this entry finds you all doing well. Here are a few pictures of my sweeties! Isabelle is 'helping' hold Titus in one, the other is of Michael feeding Titus a bottle--he was so proud, and the last one is of Isabelle and Michael helping make bread.
Until next time . . .