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Gayesy's Pregnancy Journal

Week 15
~ Despair and Devastation

My little Peanut is now with God in Heaven. On Friday, I went along to my obstetrician appointment with anticipation and excitement. Andrew had decided to come along so he could finally hear the little heartbeat, so it was going to be even more wonderful.

The doctor took my blood pressure and then asked me to get up on the couch so she could check me out. She felt my tummy and then got out the doppler so we could hear the heartbeat. She tried for ages but couldn't find one. She then went and got the small ultrasound machine they had in their offices. I was at first relieved to see my little precious Peanut but then the doctor said, "It doesn't look good." I lay there wondering what on earth she meant. She then explained that the baby wasn't moving and had no heartbeat and handed me a tissue, saying I was probably going to need it. I thought, "No way! Of course I won't be needing it - this is just a major stuff up like happened earlier in the pregnancy. I am sure that once I get downstairs for a better ultrasound all will show to be just fine."

I had to wait over an hour to see the ultrasound guy. In a very gentle voice he said, "Your baby has died. I am so sorry to have to tell you this." He had a good look at my little Peanut to see if he could see what had happened and took some measurements. As far as he could tell, my baby looked perfect but had died about a week prior. I will probably never know or even come close to understanding why my little angel died. I am thinking that it could have been due to that AWFUL illness I suffered at about 4 weeks. That is probably why little Peanut was so small at the first ultrasound and why my due date was put back by six days. I think I really did ovulate when I thought I had and that my baby was already sick.

I had to go into hospital on Sunday to have a curette. It was the most awful day of my life. Before that I could at least partially kid myself that it wasn't really happening, but the reality hit me hard in the hospital.

My precious little angel, Mummy loves you. Mummy loved you from the moment you were conceived and she will always love you with her whole heart. You are so special to me and even though it tears my heart into tiny pieces that I can never hold you or feel your warm sweet breath, I know that you are with God in Heaven now and He will take good care of you.

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