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Gayesy's Pregnancy Journal

Week 9
~ Body Changes and Feeling Down

I am starting to feel really FAT. I have always had trouble with my body image, well, ever since I can remember anyway. In my mid teens, I developed an eating disorder, which in many ways I have conquered after many years of battle, but in other ways it is still making its presence felt. I eat well these days but even when slightly underweight I feel like a fat pig.

My past pregnancy, I coped pretty well with the body changes. I was so excited to be pregnant and to see my body change in fact that I started wearing maternity clothes the day I found out, just for fun. Looking back, I realise I probably looked stupid in them, but at the time, I loved letting the world know that I was expecting. Later on in the pregnancy, once people started commenting on my tummy, I DID shed many a tear, but in the early stages I was doing just fine.

This time, I am already a wreck. I have put on a few ounces only, and all my usual skirts fit with the belt done up on the tightest notch, but I can't bear the thought of wearing them in public in case someone can see my tummy. By nighttime, I DO have quite a tummy! I think it must be mostly fluid retention and gas at this stage, as it is much smaller in the mornings, but it makes me feel so self-conscious. I have taken to wearing maternity blouses over the top so that no one can see what I really look like. I am just not sure how I am going to cope as I am only going to get BIGGER. Hopefully once it is obvious that I am pregnant, rather than looking like I haven't done a sit-up or any exercise for a decade, I might feel a bit better about things. I can only hope . . .

I have also been worrying about the pregnancy. I have had a bit of a negative feeling about it ever since that first rude doctor's appointment and that awful negative blood test. The first obstetrician appointment, although it all turned out just fine of course, also really shook me. Last pregnancy, I hardly even gave the possibility of miscarriage a moment's thought. This time, it is always in the back of my mind. I wear panty liners every time I go out in case it "happens". I tell myself that every extra week I go, the greater the chance I have of going on to have a healthy little Peanut, but in the down mood I am in at the moment, it is very hard to talk positively to myself.

I have my next obstetrician appointment in two more weeks so hopefully by then she will be able to detect the little heartbeat by doppler! That would really reassure me. I also can't wait until I can feel Peanut move. It happened at about 14 weeks with Thomas, so it won't be TOO much longer to wait hopefully. That will help make it all seem real to me and will no doubt be very reassuring

Pregnancy Week By Week Guide ~ Week 9

week 10  |  week 8
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