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Gayesy's pregnancy after loss journal

Weeks 1 - 4
~ What a Month!

I started out the month feeling VERY down. My period had arrived, which of course meant that the previous month of TTC had not been a success, Nicholas's due date was fast approaching, and Thomas was looking like he was weaning (at a time when I was supposed to be having a new baby to nurse). As I wrote on the message boards, I felt like I had "empty arms, empty womb, empty boobs." We decided that we would take no chances this cycle and would plan to "do the deed" every night from the end of my period until I was SURE I had ovulated.

Nicholas's due date came and went and many tears were shed. It was hard to be mourning his loss and at the same time trying to look to the future with hope.

I ovulated on day 12 of my cycle and was quite excited that ALL the signs pointed to the same day. Just three days afterwards, my breasts started hurting a LOT. I was trying not to get TOO excited about that because they were also sore the previous cycle, but there was no negating the fact that this time they were MUCH more tender.

When I was about one week past ovulation, Thomas suddenly fell ill. It was a dreadfully worrying time! He went from being his normal little self to a limp, almost lifeless little person who could barely stand. Due to his lethargy and very high fever, we spent a night in the hospital to keep him under observation. I was incredibly thankful that he recovered quickly.

The same night he was in the hospital, my own mother was admitted to the same ward! She had taken a fall a couple of days beforehand and my Dad had finally brought her in as the pain was getting worse. She had broken her hip and needed surgery to put pins in it. It was so strange to wander over to the other side of the nurses' station in my pink jammies and visit her at 6 in the morning! (But not quite as strange as having the nurse come in at 3 am saying my Dad had just brought in some magazines for me - I thought I was hallucinating! LOL!!)

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By this stage I was becoming more and more hopeful about this cycle. My boobs were practically AGONY! If my arms so much as brushed against them I wanted to scream! That made me SO happy! I am so proud of myself that I waited until 12 DPO to test. I had actually asked Andrew to hide the pregnancy test I had bought because I really didn't trust myself not to use it sooner.

Anyway, on the morning of 12 DPO, when my temperature went up further rather than dropping as per usual, I did the test. It was very definitely positive!! No need to even wait the full three minutes - as the urine moved through the window, the "pregnant" line showed up even before the urine had arrived at the control line. I was in shock! It seemed too good to be true! Could it really be happening??

This was a Sunday morning, and Monday was a Public Holiday, so I knew I couldn't get to my usual doctor for confirmation for two days. Somehow that really didn't bother me though. With my last pregnancy I was obsessed with testing as soon as I possibly could and getting blood test results back straight away, but this time I felt more calm for some reason. It helped that the test was so definitely positive I guess - I really KNEW that I was pregnant and really didn't need anyone else to tell me so!

Pregnancy TestOn the Tuesday I went to the doctor, more as a formality than anything else, and because I needed a referral to the obstetrician. She did a really cute little pregnancy test, which was even more definitely positive than the one I had done at home. Instead of having two vertical parallel lines, this one had one horizontal one (the control line) and one vertical (the "pregnant" line) - so if the test shows a -, it is negative, and if it shows a + it is positive. I kept this test and even scanned it into the computer!

I feel quite "weird". Part of me is elated and envisaging holding my little baby in my arms but part of me just can't seem to accept that this picture will really happen. It seems to be too wonderful to be real. I used to think that when you got pregnant you had your baby nine months later: now I know that this isn't always the case. Things can and do go wrong. Before I lost Nicholas I knew that in my head but never really thought it would happen to me. Especially in my pregnancy with Thomas, I just ASSUMED that everything would be okay, and even though I worried a little bit, I never really questioned the thought that my pregnancy would end in a healthy baby. Now I feel like I have lost my innocence. I am guarded in my excitement. On the one hand I feel better than I felt at this point last pregnancy (because I was SO extremely ill then, with high fevers etc and from then on I had this gut feeling that something was wrong), but I just feel . . . weird . . .


Pregnancy Week By Week Guide, Week 4

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