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Gayesy's pregnancy after loss journal

Week 10
~ A Much-Needed Change in Attitude

I was feeling really down and negative at the start of this week. I had decided that pregnancy was definitely no fun, and I was finding it hard to imagine how I was going to cope for much longer. Then I thought about it and decided that I was going to force myself to think more positively if at all possible.

I think I have been letting myself dwell so much on what could go wrong that I have almost been grieving in advance. The fact is that is something bad does happen (Heaven forbid), there will be plenty of time to be devastated about it afterwards. I guess that part of me has been trying to prepare myself so that I won't feel so shocked like I did last time, but in reality nothing can prepare you for how you feel at the loss of a child: there isn't much point in even trying. If things do go okay, I think I will really be annoyed at myself if I have spent the whole pregnancy in total misery.

I think I have been distancing myself from becoming attached to my baby. I actually felt quite shocked at my reaction (rather, lack thereof) at the first ultrasound. I felt great relief, but no real joy. The second scan, I felt a tiny bit more excited and I think having the picture to take home has helped, but even so, it seemed almost like it is someone else's baby. I have been reading in all my books about what my baby would be doing about now but it has been more an academic exercise than anything else. I need to allow myself to become attached to my little Munchkin! I need to let myself feel the joy and wonder that he or she is alive and growing inside me RIGHT NOW!! Even if today is the last day, and in fact ESPECIALLY if today is the last day, I need to feel that I have known my baby. I am now a mother of three children and no one can take that away from me!

I am TRYING to remind myself that the most likely outcome is for things to be just fine. But you know what? It is hard for me to even WRITE that, because I find it so hard to believe it in my heart. However, I have decided that I am not going to let that stop me from adopting a better attitude! I might not have the confidence that things will go okay, and it would be unrealistic for me to pretend that I am confident, but I am NOT going to let myself dwell on everything that could go wrong. I am going to try my best to take each day as it comes, to try to see something positive as I get through each day and week, and to get SOME enjoyment out of the pregnancy. Even if my little Munchkin does die, I want to be able to look back at this pregnancy and remember some excitement, some joy . . .

Andrew's work situation had been getting me down still. He has worked two more all-nighters in this past week, plus two more nights where he got less than two hours sleep! It seems like it has been SO long since the three of us actually had any FUN. We do go out together occasionally, to dinner, ten-pin bowling, or to see a movie (Thomas loved Shrek!), but I always feel so rushed, like we have something hanging over our heads. If it isn't Andrew's paid employment, it's his PhD - there hasn't been a weekend in AGES that we could take an extended outing, go for a drive to the beach, or just mess around without regard to the time. The GOOD news is that Andrew assures me his work will calm down within the next week (he will have finished writing new software that will drastically cut the time spent on future jobs), and his PhD will be submitted within a month or two. YAY!!

By that stage, I will probably be about 18 weeks pregnant! If all testing up to that point has gone well, then I think I will be feeling pretty darned good (well, I can only hope - LOL!). We should also know the baby's gender by then too, and can start shopping for clothes. We are not going to set up a nursery. There are two reasons for this: one, that we actually don't have a room we could use (LOL!), and the second and more important one is that little Munchkin would be sleeping with us. When we were expecting Thomas, we did the full nursery "thing" (this was at our previous house) and he hardly ever used it! He still sleeps with us and I am looking forward to having another warm cuddly little body to snuggle with too.

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I THINK my morning sickness is starting to ease off just slightly. It could just be that I am getting used to it, but I have actually managed to eat a bit better this week. The funny thing is that when the vomiting has occurred it has actually been worse than ever (Don't worry - I will spare you the details. LOL!) but there have been brief times most days when I have had some reprieve from that constant nausea. With any luck, it will ease off altogether in a few more weeks time. For my own reassurance I would probably like it to stay just until I start feeling movements though - that is likely to be around week 14 or 15, as it was that way in both my other pregnancies. When I tell people that, hardly anyone believes me, but my obstetrician did. Even if this pregnancy doesn't last the full distance, I would love to get the chance to feel this little one move - it is so special.

Also on the physical front, I have started getting lower back pain (oh, joy!), constipation (too much information??), and have still been needing to get up to the toilet at least three times each night. My breasts are still VERY sore too. Talk about feeling pregnant! I think I am starting to look a bit pregnant too, and not just from bloating. My tummy looks bigger, my breasts definitely are (by over two inches!), and I think I am losing my waistline.

Something really funny! I think the cats know that I am pregnant! Pumpkin (our ginger cat) in particular has been quite strange around my tummy area, kneading it while purring loudly and then settling down right on top of my abdomen for a nap. This is not exactly comfortable because Punky weighs over 13 pounds!!

I will need to book into antenatal classes pretty soon, but don't feel up to it just yet. That is so unlike me, because I am the perennial girl guide. I am the kind of person who always had her school assignments finished well before the due date, who likes to have everything planned to the nth degree, who likes to feel in CONTROL. The fact is that I am not in control. That is something I am having trouble adjusting to . . .

Pregnancy Week By Week Guide, Week 10

week 11  |  Week 9
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