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Gayesy's pregnancy after loss journal

Week 11
~ A Better Week!

Gayesy, Andrew, and ThomasThis week I have been feeling a bit better, both physically and emotionally. My morning sickness is now much more bearable, as I am having at least one brief break from it each day (it's amazing how much you can appreciate one or two hours with little or no nausea!). I have even started to feel hungry sometimes! LOL! I am also now not quite so exhausted - still very tired mind you, but not at the point where I feel I simply can't do anything and want to be lying down all the time. I can even manage to vacuum all the floors and then mop the tiled ones without feeling like I am about to die. LOL! My breasts are still EXTREMELY sore though - I keep saying I need new bras but never end up doing so. It doesn't help that Andrew is still incredibly busy at work: shopping for maternity bras with Thomas in tow is probably not the best of ideas - I have visions of him opening the changing room door just as I am standing there in between bras (and yes, he has done that before!)! YIKES! My lower back is starting to get quite sore now, and I am guessing that this symptom will be here with me for the duration.

I guess I am slightly concerned about the lessening of symptoms, but I am not panicking for three reasons: 1. I am simply not LETTING myself panic or dwell on all the "what ifs"; 2. I still do have some nausea and vomiting, sore breasts, sore back, tiredness etc so it is not like I have suddenly lost all symptoms and 3. It is probably reasonable to expect that these things would start to ease off a bit towards the end of the first trimester. I really have been very strict with myself this week if I have started to get worried. I tell myself that I am doing all that is in my power to have a healthy pregnancy and the rest is out of my hands - I just have to let go and trust that whatever happens I will be okay. Easier said than done though . . .

I have been feeling quite superstitious about some things. I think that as I draw closer to the stage where little Nicholas died last pregnancy, I am getting more determined to make sure that things are as different as possible. I know LOGICALLY that the things I am avoiding had nothing to do with his death, but somehow I feel better avoiding them anyway. In the two weeks before I found out he had died, I had been away to the Gold Coast for the weekend, gone swimming, eaten dried apricots, had two sips of champagne, and had sex. There is NO WAY I am doing any of those things now!! I am also thinking that I will have a hard time wearing the dress I was wearing when I found out that Nicholas had died. It was a new maternity dress and a very nice one too. I don't want to banish it to the back of the wardrobe, but on the other hand I imagine that if I wore it I would feel especially anxious. I will see how I go - it's really a non-issue right now because it's a sleeveless dress and it's quite cool here at the moment.

My nuchal translucency scan is just over a week away and I have been getting both excited and nervous about it. It will be SO great to see little Munchkin moving around and to have an expert take a good look at him or her. It will also be great if I get the reassurance I so crave. I am not letting myself think too much about how I would deal with things if it so happens the test shows we are at high risk of Down syndrome. I guess that is the sort of thing you cross if you come to it. I CAN say for sure that we would NOT abort. I have been reading that it is possible to find out the gender at 12 weeks by doing certain angles and measurements. As the guy who will be doing my scan is so great, no doubt he will know about this development - we will ask him what he thinks and if he thinks it is not some crock then we will ask to find out the gender. If not, then we will just have to wait until the next scan at 18 weeks.

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I had an awful nightmare about the scan. Well, not really about the scan itself because I woke up absolutely shaking in fear before I even got to the scan part. The dream was just about the waiting room and I was TERRIFIED. To make matters worse, even though in reality, the ultrasound place isn't even on the same floor as the obstetrician I saw last time, in my dream somehow the ultrasound guy shared waiting rooms with her, and on top of all the terror, I was feeling all those awful flashback feelings of that appointment when I found out Nicholas had died. I think that I am trying to be brave but that in reality I am scared stiff and that is coming out in my dreams.

I feel like things are going to start really "happening" soon! I can just feel the top of my uterus peeking out from behind my pubic bone and have been feeling quite a bit of stretching, so soon there will be all the excitement of a growing tummy and feeling those first wonderful movements. I am kind of scared a bit about putting on weight and looking pregnant though. Each of the last two weeks I have put on almost half a pound, so I am now almost a pound over the weight I was when I found out I was pregnant. I am very sensitive about my weight and unfortunately during pregnancy people tend to think it is open slather to comment on how you look, whether you look like you are gaining lots of weight, how you are carrying etc. I'm not quite sure how I will handle any comments I get - I didn't cope too well when I was pregnant with Thomas, and last pregnancy no one had started to notice yet. It will all be SO worth it though if I get my little Munchkin in my arms. What I weigh or look like is really nothing in comparison.

Thomas decided this week that he wanted to watch what he refers to as "Thomas baby" - it's the video we have of him from when he was just a few days old until now. It was SO lovely to see, to reminisce, and got me all excited about having another little one to go through those things with. It is GOOD for me to get excited! I am not trying to avoid it anymore, and am actually deliberately allowing myself to do so. He also wanted to get out his "baby toys" (the ones he had from about 3 months to a year). That was also so great, and I love thinking about little Munchkin playing with them. Thomas will be a GREAT big brother - he has been talking about playing with OUR baby, blowing raspberries on his or her tummy, and so on. I LOVE it when I get excited!!

Pregnancy Week By Week Guide, Week 11

week 12  |  Week 10
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