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Gayesy's pregnancy after loss journal

Week 14
~ Feeling Sad . . .

This week started with a public holiday for the Brisbane Exhibition (otherwise known as the EKKA). It was so nice to have Andrew around: we took Thomas out to a playground and then went out to lunch at Sizzler just for something different. I ordered some fish. When it came it looked like quite a thick piece so I cut into it and saw that all of it except the very outer parts was RAW! Ewwwwww!! I sent it back of course because there was no way I was eating something that would endanger our baby. Boy, it really put a damper on the outing for me. Thankfully when they brought my replacement meal (I thought I'd better try something less likely to come back uncooked!), it was fine, but it left me feeling quite unsettled.

Food has been quite a tricky issue for me lately. Not only do I have all my longstanding phobias about weight gain that date back to my teen years and an eating disorder that basically wasted over a decade of my life, I also have a phobia now about eating something that is dangerous to little Munchkin. Between worrying about listeria, salmonella, and toxoplasmosis, I find myself shying away from so many foods that when I get hungry I often simply can't work out what to eat! I have actually been craving things that have a high risk of listeria, such as ham and soft-serve ice cream, so that is NOT helping. LOL! Eating out is particularly difficult, as even seemingly innocent things like having a salad sandwich is out of the question due to listeria concerns. Thankfully the nausea which was making my life a misery a few weeks back is very bearable now, and I am starting to get VERY hungry, but I really wish it was easier to choose foods to eat. I also feel so tired still that I don't often feel up to cooking. Quite a dilemma . . .

I have booked into the ante-natal classes I was planning on. We were going to take a "refresher course" at the hospital (just a few hours one Saturday), but booked into the full active childbirth class run by the Childbirth Education Association (three Saturday afternoons). Andrew is unfortunately less than keen on doing any course and jokes that he doesn't have to give birth so why does he have to attend . . . hmmm . . . I think I will leave that topic right there. LOL! In reality though he seems to be more whiney than (lack of) action and always does come through when it counts. When I was expecting Thomas, he kept saying right through the pregnancy how he didn't want to be there for the birth, but he WAS there (no, I didn't force him!) and was a great support to me, holding my hand, feeding me ice chips and so on.

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This week we received a letter from the two favourite preschools where we had Thomas's name down to go next year, offering him a place. I have been a bit worried about him starting preschool, both because kindy didn't go too well this year (we pulled him out after five weeks because he was getting too upset), and because the school year starts at almost exactly the time Munchkin is due. It has been quite a stressful week trying to make the decision between the two schools. I ended up taking Thomas one day and having a tour of each preschool and the primary school attached to it and we did make a decision - not without several sleepless nights and lots of worrying on my part though.

I have unfortunately been feeling quite down lately, and some days find myself close to tears almost the whole time. I guess I could blame it on the hormones but in reality I think that feeling like this is going to happen to me from time to time no matter what. You see, I go through life under the basic assumption that no one likes me (and that it isn't their fault because I am totally unlovable). If someone does appear to like me, I tell myself that they obviously don't know me very well and that when they do get to know the "real me" they will reject me just like everyone else has. This latest bout of insecurity was started by a friend telling me several weeks ago she was going to ring me and get together, and of course she never did end up ringing. Things have just snowballed in my mind from there . . .

On top of this I think that even though on the surface I am not as worried as I thought I would be at this stage of the pregnancy, I am feeling quite . . . hmmm . . . solemn I guess is the word, as I approach the stage that Nicholas died last pregnancy. I kind of feel like I am reliving things to some extent. This is not helped by the fact that I have started getting the agonising back pains that I had just before he died. It brings it all back . . . I am not even game to do anything about my back pains, even though it is so bad I can hardly walk by the evening, because I just don't want to risk anything. I miss my little Peanut. I love this baby too of course, but I wanted Nicholas! I just feel so sad sometimes . . .

Pregnancy Week By Week Guide, Week 14

week 15  |  Week 13
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