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Gayesy's pregnancy after loss journal

Week 15
~ Still hanging in there!

Well, I'm still plugging along, slowly but surely! I had another obstetrician check-up this week and Thomas and I got to hear the heartbeat again. (Andrew is coming to the next one - he can't take time off work to come to every appointment.) I really like the OB: he is always so reassuring, so friendly to Thomas too and really includes him in the visit (getting him to turn on the doppler for example). Dr. S seems very happy with the way things are progressing!

I spoke about my severe back pain. It is still so bad that I can hardly walk by the evening. He suggested I might benefit from some physio, but I have no idea how I would manage that - it isn't the sort of thing I could do with Thomas in my care! I have also developed PILES of other symptoms, if you get my drift! Yikes - how embarrassing! My coccyx is also very sore indeed so sitting isn't that pleasant. I can only imagine what things will be like as the pregnancy progresses . . . I also talked about my food fears, in particular about listeria. Dr. S called it "listeria hysteria" which got me smiling! He reassured me that as long as I am taking reasonable precautions all should be fine and that contracting listeriosis is very rare indeed - he has never had a patient with it in all his years as an OB.

Prior to the appointment I was finding myself preparing for the worst. I TRY not to dwell on all the "what ifs" but going to check on the heartbeat is so scary for me. At the last appointment it seemed like ages before he actually found it, although Andrew assures me it was less than 30 seconds. Each time I go for an appointment it kind of feels like I am setting myself up for potential bad news. The "no news is good news" theory applies to some extent: when I am not at any appointment then no one can tell me anything awful. I will NEVER forget that day when I went along happily and blissfully unaware that little Nicholas had already died. I had never even CONSIDERED that you could have no bleeding, no problems and then there simply be no heartbeat. Now unfortunately I am not so naive . . .

I have been feeling movements every day now! The thing is that they are not definite enough yet to be 100% reassuring. Nevertheless they are there. I usually feel them at night when I am about to go off to sleep and then again in the morning when I am still lying in bed. During the day they are no doubt there but I am so busy that they would have to be a lot harder for me to notice them at this stage. Thomas likes feeling my tummy and is convinced he can feel the baby move - wishful thinking no doubt but cute nonetheless.

We have started a new sleep arrangement in preparation for Munchkin's arrival. Even though I am still not convinced that it will really happen (it still seems too good to be true), I do think we need to be prepared. Up until recently, Thomas was sleeping on a queen-size bed with me, and Andrew was right next to us on a single bed the same height. We were all together on a lovely 8-foot-wide sleeping surface! We thought it through, and as we want Thomas to sleep with us for as long as he desires, we tried to come up with a way where each person gets enough room and is happy. Thomas was not happy about the idea of being on the single bed on his own, and anyway, I think that Andrew, baby and I all together on the queen-size would be a bit squashy compared to the amount of room we have grown accustomed to lately.

We are still together but Andrew and I have swapped so that Thomas can get used to sleeping with him rather than me. (Munchkin will be sleeping with me on the single bed). It isn't safe for a child to sleep next to a baby so when Munchkin comes, we need there to always be at least one adult between Thomas and baby. Thomas is still next to me at the moment, but the next phase is for him to go to the other side of the queen-size so that no matter which side of me Munchkin is sleeping on, he won't be right next to him or her. We figured that with one parent and one child on each bed we would all be happy and have enough room - I am pretty sure that will work just fine!

Thomas and Andrew are both delighted with the change thankfully! I, on the other hand, am feeling a bit left out! LOL! I am so used to having Thomas sleeping almost on top of me that having some space between us makes me feel so alone. Especially as I have still been feeling quite down this week, feeling lonely at night isn't helping. I haven't been sleeping that well, partly I guess because of this, partly because of my bladder, and partly because of finding the thoughts and worries so hard to put to rest in the darkness. In the past I have taken sleeping pills at times like this but of course I am not doing that now. The very thought of warm milk churns my stomach so I am not quite sure what else to do. I guess I will just soldier on!

When I start feeling down, one of the first things I notice is that my body image takes a real beating. Even when I am in my best mood, I hate the way I look, but at the moment I am finding it hard to even tolerate living in my body. It probably didn't help me that this week I saw some video of myself several years ago and it just reinforced how fat I am now. My weight gain has started to speed up now too, and although I know that is perfectly normal and healthy, and it is well within normal expectations, it is SO hard to deal with. I am trying to placate myself by telling myself that once Munchkin arrives I can gradually diet (not so strictly as to affect breastfeeding of course) and exercise and get down to a weight that I am at least reasonably happy with.

I really wish I wasn't feeling so down! And so FAT! I guess I will just keep taking things one day at a time . . . I really don't want to slip into the ante-natal/post-natal depression thing again! Sigh . . . The GOOD news is that our little Munchkin seems just fine at this stage so I am holding onto that and each time I feel him or her move I am making sure I enjoy it!

Pregnancy Week By Week Guide, Week 15

week 16  |  Week 14
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