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Gayesy's pregnancy after loss journal

Week 16
~ Music Therapy!

This week I rediscovered something that I really think will help me through the rest of this pregnancy - music! One afternoon, when I was sitting at the computer in tears (again!), I saw a post on the Storkclub for women expecting around the time I am. The post asked what wedding song you had. That got me thinking about the song Andrew and I had at our wedding, so I just had to look up the words to it on the net and then go and play the CD. I sat there listening to Stevie Wonder's Ribbon in the Sky and just sobbed and sobbed out a lot of my pain. It actually felt good! Then I recovered sufficiently to start rifling through the CD cabinet and spent probably the next hour at least listening to my favourite songs. Thomas thought it was great (not the sobbing part of course), and danced on the coffee table! LOL!

I had forgotten how important music is to me! Back in high school when I was incredibly unhappy, I was very active in the school choir and orchestra. I was even Choir Captain! Almost every lunch hour was spent in rehearsals of one kind or another and they were the one bright spot in my otherwise awful days. I was under so much pressure to perform in the classroom, was miserable at home a lot of the time, felt fat and ugly, and yet when I was singing or playing in the orchestra (even though I played VERY bad violin!), I was somehow in another world. At home, I always had either my radio on or more often my cassette player. Artists I really liked included Michael Jackson (I had a poster of him before he started looking weird!), Spandau Ballet, the Police . . . One Christmas a few years ago, before Thomas was born, my brother bought me Michael Jackson's History CD set and I will never forget the laughs I got when my mother-in-law (bless her) announced that she had read that MJ thought he was Jesus Christ and that I shouldn't listen to his music. I just listened LOUDER!

I figure that music has helped me through some pretty awful emotional pain and stress in my life so it should be able to help me now. I am also planning on taking my favourites to play as loud as I like (with headphones) when I am in labour. I can imagine that I will want it VERY loud during the worst contractions!

I am feeling pretty confident these days about my little Munchkin. Well, as confident as I think I can be given what happened last time . . . It does help me a lot to know that things have been monitored closely this time and that so far no problem at all has been found. So far I have had scans at around 6 1/2 weeks, 8 1/2 weeks, and 12 weeks. Each time there has been a strong little heartbeat, and my baby has been the expected size. The nuchal translucency result couldn't have been better. With little Nicholas, all I had was a scan at what I was sure was 7 1/2 weeks, when there was a heartbeat but he was 1/2 the size he should have been (and they tried to convince me I was a week out with my date of ovulation - I pretended I believed them and went with those dates in my last journal, but something WAS obviously wrong). Then I had a heartbeat reading by doppler at 11/12 weeks. My uterus wasn't the size it should have been at 15/16 weeks, I wasn't gaining weight, basically things weren't going so well . . .

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Next week I am going for my triple screen blood test and I will be phoning the obstetrician for the results a few days later. He says he is confident everything will be fine. I certainly hope so - if these results are good then that will be yet another piece of reassurance I can pacify myself with when I start to get anxious in the middle of the night. Together with the 12-week scan, they paint a pretty good picture. The chance of either one being a false negative is about 30%, but to get a false negative on BOTH would be very unlikely indeed (less than 10%). That is, 10% of the 0.3% chance of there being a problem anyway at my age - pretty darned unlikely. I am not even letting myself think too much about what I will do if the results don't come back as normal . . . I am having my "big" scan in my 20th week, and that will hopefully be the icing on my reassurance cake! LOL!

I can't wait to find out the gender!! I keep almost slipping up and referring to Munchkin as "she" or Katelyn, as I have this strong sense it is a girl. I had a big hunch that Thomas was a boy and was obviously right, but with Nicholas I was wrong. The sense wasn't so strong with him though. I almost bought some little pink clothes this week, but thankfully stopped myself just in time. It kind of annoys me when I look at my favourite baby wear places (Target and an Aussie shop called Pumpkin Patch). They both have HEAPS of cute little stuff suitable for girls but only a fraction of the racks devoted to boys' stuff, and what they do have is often not to my liking. Once little boys get to Thomas's age the choices are even more limited. One thing I would REALLY get into with a little daughter would be the clothes and hair thing! LOL!

I am probably sounding like I prefer a little girl. That really isn't the case. Having had Thomas I know how absolutely delightful little boys are (and oh so snuggly with their mummies!). I just want a healthy little one, but whatever gender it is, I want to know NOW! LOL! Thomas announced the other night, "Mummy, I have decided that I don't mind whether I get a baby brother or a baby sister." I explained gently that it was just as well, as we really don't get a choice in the matter. He is SO looking forward to being a big brother and I am sure he will be a great one.

My tiredness that was starting to ease off a bit over the past weeks has unfortunately returned in full force. Maybe it is due to the stress and depressed mood I have been in - I really don't know. It is almost debilitating though. By mid afternoon I can barely lift my fat rear-end off the couch! It doesn't help that the three maths students I tutor are all approaching final exams for the year. In about two more months, it will all be over for this year, and two of the girls will actually be finished high school then. I do feel great pressure though because how they do in these last exams can make the difference as to whether they get into university or not. The uni system works on school results and one of the two girls is very much borderline for passing her maths. She is a lovely girl, works VERY hard, but is very challenged by the subject. Oh boy after one hour with her I am ready for a big nap (or a Valium . . . sorry - only kidding!) On top of the tiredness I have also been getting AWFUL headaches every day - and most days they are with me the whole day. A real bummer!

Sunday was Father's Day here in Australia and we went and did the dutiful thing of visiting my Dad and father-in-law. At my in-laws' place I was SO worried they would make some comment about my body but thankfully they didn't. I did see my mother-in-law taking a good look at my tummy though - I absolutely dread her saying something about how I didn't show until 20 weeks with Thomas, blah, blah. She asked me if I will be having a c-section this time. I almost fell off my chair and said, "No! Not if I can help it!". I think she was so worried that last time I ended up with a high forceps delivery, broken coccyx, haemorrhage, etc, and she probably can't understand why I wouldn't opt to do without that this time. The thing is that I am such a sook when it comes to surgery and there is no way I would actually choose to have a c-section unless it was necessary for the safety of my baby. On top of all the pain, I have no idea how I would manage trying to care for a newborn and a preschooler when I have had major surgery. I know that women do manage but boy I wouldn't actually CHOOSE it! Then she almost fell off her chair when I said I was aiming for a natural birth this time! Hehe!!

Well, 16 weeks and all is well (I think). Next entry I will know the results of my triple screen, and not too much longer and I will have had my scan. It's all happening around here!

Pregnancy Week By Week Guide, Week 16

week 17  |  Week 15
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