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Gayesy's pregnancy after loss journal

Week 21
~ A stressful week

Not much has been happening as far as the pregnancy is concerned and that is probably a good thing! LOL! My back actually hasn't been quite so bad this week so I am thankful for that, and my nose has been fine too. Basically, I am feeling okay physically right now, except for the fact that I am not sleeping too well and I'm sure I look like a walking zombie!

My tummy is starting to get more and more noticeable! Around the house I have still been wearing my usual clothes (not ones with a normal waist of course) but the other day I put on a drop-waisted dress and it was starting to get a little bit snug - just a couple of weeks earlier it was fine. I actually don't mind having a tummy and quite enjoy patting and rubbing it. Of course I could do without the thunder thighs and hippo hips though! I know that it is important that I eat as well as I can now: I wouldn't want to do anything to jeopardise Katelyn's health. It is SO hard for me to accept the way I look now though: the person I see in the mirror doesn't seem like me. Even my face is different, both in that it's fatter than normal and my skin is all splotchy. I haven't been game to bleach my hair since we started trying to conceive Nicholas so it has gone all mousy on me. Andrew still calls me Blondie, but I don't look too much like one right now. I feel very uncomfortable in my shell, if that makes sense. I feel like I am wearing a permanent fat suit and I dream of looking like I did BB (before babies). Not that I was satisfied then mind you, but compared with how I look now, I would be happy with it!

I have been feeling quite stressed and upset about my cat Pumpkin (aka Punky). We got our two cats 7 1/2 years ago when they were just six weeks old and had been abandoned at an animal shelter. They were my first babies! Even though I love Princess heaps, Punky has always been extra special, following me around, sleeping on my pillow, sitting up on my computer desk purring away (she has the LOUDEST purr I have ever heard!). This week she had her ECG and ultrasound and it was determined that she has a very serious heart problem (third degree heart block). We really aren't sure how much longer she has, and she could die without any warning. I am really not sure how I would cope if we lost her!

I have actually been getting quite paranoid about her dying. Each time she has a nap, I check on her to see that she is still breathing and when I go out I dread walking in the door in case I find her there dead. This whole thing reminds me of how little Nicholas died without any warning (although at least we know that Punky is sick I guess). I am even getting more worried about Katelyn and keep thinking that she might have died. At the beginning of this week, she was kicking up quite a storm, but now I am not feeling as many movements nor ones as strong. Talk about being in a state of high anxiety . . .

I am even feeling anxious about leaving the house or having any sort of social contact - kind of a mild agoraphobia I guess. It doesn't help that when I do go out, I get so exhausted and/or Thomas decides to be really difficult. He threw a MASSIVE tantrum in the middle of Target the other day and I am NOT going anywhere near the shops again until I absolutely have to! I don't even feel like talking to people on the phone. I think when I am feeling stressed and down, I just want to shut myself off for some reason.

I am feeling overwhelmed with everything right now and even minor things like walking into the kitchen and seeing a few ants on the bench gets me very distressed. I am in a state of high anxiety unfortunately. What I would LOVE at the moment would be to be able to lie around in bed all day, have my meals cooked for me, all the housework done, and someone to take Thomas out to the park etc. to let him burn off some steam (bringing him back for frequent cuddles of course because I would miss him). ( I should point out that I do NOT wish for bed rest - I would just like the OPTION of spending the day in bed!) Instead I am struggling through the days, and boy are they LONG when Andrew is at work, with late meetings, PhD work and so on. We hardly see him these days and I feel a bit like a single mother.

On top of everything else, we are getting into some financial troubles. All those tests for Punky cost over $500, and we were already struggling. I want to be able to buy a few things for Katelyn but just can't - it's quite worrying and frustrating. One funny thing though! Andrew and Thomas had to have their hair cut on the weekend and while they were doing that I thought I would take a look at some baby clothes at a store in the shopping centre. They were having 25% off certain labels of clothing and I found some really cute little stuff. The problem was that I couldn't for the life of me work out how much they would cost with the 25% off! That is so unlike me because maths has always been my strong point - let's face it, I taught it to high school kids for many years and even tutored at university level. Talk about preggo brain! I decided that unless 25% off would mean the outfits were FREE we couldn't afford them anyway and so put them back on the rack and walked off. How embarrassing!

Thomas is really looking forward to me breastfeeding little Katelyn! He still has the occasional suck himself but I think he is upset there is no milk there anymore. He said the other day with great excitement that when baby Katelyn is born, my "bees" (short for boobies) will fill up with milk again and he can have some! He is quite determined that she will feed properly too and said to me, "Mummy, I will draw a diagram of correct latch-on on my blackboard so that when baby Katelyn looks at it she will know what to do!". Gotta love him! Maybe he could give some breastfeeding education seminars! LOL!

I am seeing the obstetrician next Monday for another check-up but if movements don't get back to "normal" soon I might have to ring his offices and see the guy who is filling in for him while he is away on holidays.

I think I really need to chill out a bit but am not quite sure how to achieve that! Hopefully by my next entry I will be feeling a bit better!

Pregnancy Week By Week Guide, Week 21

week 22  |  Week 20
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