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Gayesy's pregnancy after loss journal

Week 22
~ The five month mark!

I guess I have been feeling a bit better this week, well some of the time anyway. (Gee, that doesn't sound too confident, does it? LOL!) The truth of the matter is that from day to day, hour to hour or even minute to minute my mood can fluctuate wildly. One moment I can be feeling (more or less) fine and the next I can be in tears or feeling unbelievably stressed. I don't think a day goes by when I am not crying at least once. Unfortunately I think I am predisposed to this sort of thing even when not pregnant, but I am sure that all those hormones aren't helping much.

I have relaxed a bit about our cat Punky, as she seems to be okay at this stage and I have decided that I simply CAN'T worry about her dying for the entire rest of her life. Other things have still been worrying me though. Thomas has been having speech therapy for a stuttering problem for some months now and seems to be getting WORSE rather than better. Every time he opens his mouth it is just further reminder to me that things aren't working and I worry about how he will manage when he starts preschool in February if he hasn't improved by then. I am looking into getting a different therapist involved but of course the financial side of things keeps causing more worry.

Andrew has still been incredibly busy at work and doing his PhD. I am SO upset that the study isn't finished yet and do worry that it will still not be done when Katelyn arrives. I feel powerless to do anything about it and that just makes it worse! There have been late meetings at his work several nights a week and we barely see him these days with that, and the weekends spent at the university doing his study. This is NOT how I wanted things to be when I was pregnant! One great thing is that he will definitely be coming to the ante-natal classes that start in a few weeks. I am so looking forward to them!

I had another check-up at my obstetrician this week and all seemed fine. I mentioned how some days seemed to have less movement than others and he wasn't at all worried about that. Katelyn was moving around so much when he was trying to use the doppler that he had some trouble getting a fix on her heart! Her heart rate is still fine - 156 this time. My uterus is measuring just above the belly button now so that is also as expected. My navel is actually now half in and half out, would you believe? One thing that wasn't quite so good is my blood pressure. Now, it wasn't high at all by most people's standards (120/75), but that reading for me is very high. I am usually around 100/65 or similar. I can FEEL my blood pressure rising every time even when minor things occur, like our dog barking. I have never had high BP in my life and certainly hope that it doesn't get any worse during the rest of this pregnancy.

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I spoke about my back pain, and he suggested considering some physiotherapy. The problem is that I have no idea at all WHEN I could manage to do it! Thomas is with me all the time and there is really no one who can mind him. My parents aren't even in the country right now and even when they are around, my Dad is so busy and my Mum is not at all well and certainly not capable of taking care of Thomas for more than about one minute. I will have to see how I go . . . He did say that a heat pack would be fine to use to help with the pain, and reassured me that it wouldn't be at all dangerous to use - that it would burn my skin before it caused any problems to Katelyn.

Things turned quite interesting at the supermarket on the weekend! I was wandering around pushing the trolley when I realised that the elastic in my undies was in grave danger of giving way! Yikes!! I, of course, happened to be wearing a dress, so if the elastic went, I was going to lose them! That actually happened to a friend of my mother's once. When they fell, she just kicked them off and kept right on walking - can you imagine! Anyway, there I was walking along hoping like heck that I wouldn't have to do that, and that if I DID lose them gust of wind wouldn't get me when I got back to the car (parked in the rooftop car park of course). Then I started losing my eyesight. Yep, another "pregnancy migraine". My goodness - I could see some little spotty bits but apart from that I was blind. Andrew and Thomas were in another part of the supermarket getting some other parts of the list to make things quick so I was trudging around trying to find them. The good news was that my undies held out AND I of course got my sight back after fifteen minutes or so. Of course, the massive headache followed . . .

It has been quite hot here lately and I have been REALLY feeling the heat. We have even had to turn on the air conditioning a couple of days and I have taken to sleeping in just my undies some nights (No, not the ones with the faulty elastic! LOL!). I can only imagine how uncomfortable I will be when Summer really hits in full force and think I will have to make sure I am sitting down when I read the next electricity bill - our air conditioners are going to be worked like never before!

I feel quite excited to have reached the five-month mark! I keep looking at the little baby things I sorted through the other week and imagining how wonderful it will be to have my little sweetie in them, snuggling up to me. I know this might sound a little bit morbid, but one thing that is good about being past the 20 week mark is that I know that whatever happens, I will get to give birth to my baby, see her, hold her and get a birth certificate. I know that if anything awful happened, that would be cold comfort, but something that bothered me a LOT about Nicholas's death was that some people acted like he never even existed and of course I never got to see him, hold him etc. The obstetrician I had at the time even referred to my PRECIOUS BABY as "non-viable tissue". I could HIT her for saying that!

I have started washing out some baby things that Thomas used and I find that so wonderful and exciting! Normally I hate doing the washing, folding and so on, but this is different! I have also washed out all the cloth nappies and Thomas is keen to help me fold them when the time comes. Gee, I think I might practise some "origami" myself when no one is looking. LOL! (When I was expecting Thomas, I practised every possible nappy fold I could find in the booklets - I think I could have taught classes on the topic!)

One morning, I was sitting next to Thomas in bed eating my cereal while he watched a kiddie show on TV, and Punky came and sat right beside my tummy and started purring up a storm. Katelyn started kicking wildly and I could actually see my dress moving! Thomas saw it too and thought it was very funny. I LOVE it when things like that happen. All the discomfort, worry, stress and so on seem minuscule compared to the joys of feeling her move and sharing that with the other people I love!

Pregnancy Week By Week Guide, Week 22

week 23  |  Week 21
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