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Gayesy's pregnancy after loss journal

Week 23
~ More preparations!

This week I have thrown myself into some tasks in the hope that they would cheer me up. It worked! We redrew some money from our home loan so that we could pay off our credit card debt, and that in itself helped me to relax a bit. We still obviously need to be careful, but at least I am not panicking about unpaid bills anymore. I also organised some gardeners to come and do a quote on some pruning and weeding in our gardens, and luckily the small amount of money I get from my tutoring will be enough to get started on that. I have been getting so upset at the state of our yard, but soon it will be looking much more presentable.

I have been doing some more organising of baby things, especially in the set of drawers we will be using as her change table. I have even started buying little things at the supermarket to spread the cost over the rest of the pregnancy. This week I bought some cotton balls (for cleaning around her eyes) and cotton buds (for the umbilical stump). It's almost embarrassing how excited I got about spending about $3 on these items! LOL! Over the remaining weeks, I will stock up on nappy liners, maternity pads (boy, did I go through HEAPS of them after Thomas was born), breast pads, disposable undies and so on.

I have been feeling pretty good physically. The sciatica has been mostly leaving me alone lately, and I don't feel too nauseous except when I smell fried foods. I feel tired but not that awful "I must lie down NOW" sort of exhaustion that I was feeling before. Sleep is still a bit tricky. I am managing okay, but sometimes I feel quite uncomfortable or even wake up in pain with a full bladder, some contractions or whatever. Things always ease off fairly quickly though. I actually had an hour or so of painful contractions (well, that's what I think they were) one morning, and was almost at the point of ringing the labour ward to see what to do. Thankfully they calmed down once I rested up and had a cold drink and a snack. Under my navel has been quite sore, but it's quite bearable thankfully.

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It feels kind of weird to be getting such a big tummy. As it has been five years since I was this far along in a pregnancy, it all seems almost completely new to me. I also think that I am a lot bigger than I was with Thomas, which isn't helping. (I think I looked like this when I was about six weeks further along with him.) In this past week, I have had three people either ask me when I was due or say something to the effect that I am really showing now. I know that it is true that I am now obviously pregnant, and at this stage I guess I SHOULD look that way, but it still scares me to have anyone comment on my body. We will be seeing my in-laws this weekend, to celebrate my father-in-law's birthday and I am again terrified! I was talking to Andrew's mother on the phone and she asked me if I had gained lots of weight and if I was really showing a lot. I felt like bursting into tears right there and then. Then she said that she was looking forward to "taking a good look" at me and seeing what she thinks! Can you believe it? Here I am, terrified and feeling fat and awful as it is - I do NOT want people looking me up and down and commenting on me, judging me. I even told her that I don't like people commenting on my tummy and she seemed totally aghast that I would feel that way, and after a big pause promised that she wouldn't say anything BUT that she would make sure she took a good look at me anyway. Ugh! I don't want to go! Sometimes I wish I could just hide!

It probably isn't helping that I seem to be in a big spurt of weight gain at the moment. Over the past three weeks, I have gained almost 5 1/2 pounds! I feel like crying, just typing that amount in. I feel like things are getting totally out of control. I just don't understand why I am putting on so much weight so suddenly - I am not aware of eating any more than I was before. Obviously whatever I am eating is too much though . . . I will really have to watch myself, because my absolute upper limit that I will allow myself is thirty pounds, and I am already just over half way there. What a total bummer! I HATE feeling so anxious about my body and my weight all the time. Of course, I won't do anything to jeopardise Katelyn's health - just no more treats for this hippo!

Something really embarrassing happened the other morning! I felt the need to go to the toilet but was in the middle of doing something and thought as it would only take another 30 seconds to finish it, I would be okay to wait. BIG mistake! While I was finishing, I sneezed, and you can probably guess what happened then. Oh my! Not a huge flood mind you, but I certainly wouldn't want that to happen when I was out of the house! Thomas, of course, found it immensely amusing! I really need to be more diligent with my pelvic floor exercises, but everything down there just hurts so much these days with everything stretching that I find it hard to work myself up to it. It even hurts when I sit on the toilet! I guess the discomfort there is a good sign that things are loosening up ready for the birth.

It probably doesn't help that little Katelyn has discovered that her Mummy's bladder makes a good trampoline! LOL! She seems to be jumping up and down on it quite a bit, in between doing karate kicks all over the rest of my uterus. It is so funny that you can SEE the movement now, as well as feeling it. At night when we are all lying in bed watching a video or some TV, I can lie there with my nightie lifted up and we all end up watching my tummy rather than the screen for some time. It's quite entertaining! I LOVE feeling so much movement and have been talking to her quite a bit. Thomas and Andrew have been doing so too, and I love it when Thomas comes up and gives "her" (ie. my tummy) a kiss. He's actually at the perfect height to do so!

Our first ante-natal class is in less than three weeks! YAY! I am so excited about it all. I really am hoping to have a drug-free, intervention-free birth experience this time, or that if that really isn't possible, to at least feel I had done my best to avoid it. With Thomas's birth, I kind of let myself get swept up in things and before I knew it one intervention led to another . . . I really do not fancy the idea of having to have Katelyn extracted from me with forceps, having to deal with the severe pain of a broken coccyx, the discomfort of many stitches and so on. Even though Thomas's birth experience was far from ideal, I am actually looking forward to labouring with Katelyn. I must say that even though I would love a natural birth experience, I will do ANYTHING if it will get her out healthy! (They can pull her out through my NOSE if that will get her out okay! LOL!)

Andrew decided to have the weekend off from his PhD. It was so amazing to actually get to spend some time with him! I can't wait until his study is finished and then every weekend can be like that! The problem is that during the week he is so incredibly busy with his work that he isn't getting home in time to even see Thomas and me let alone do any work on his study, so things are looking pretty grim for him getting it finished before the birth.

Another week down, another 17 to go!

Pregnancy Week By Week Guide, Week 23

week 24  |  Week 22
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