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Gayesy's pregnancy after loss journal

Week 30
~ Tears for Baby Nicholas . . .

I was expecting this week to be tough but have found myself unprepared for just how awful I was going to feel. The anniversaries of finding out Nicholas had died, and of the D&C two days later, were incredibly difficult for me. Nicholas's due date in May was very hard too, but it was more one of those many "should have been" days - EVERY day since his death has been a "should have been" day. I think every day about what he would have looked like, what he would be doing by now, what his little laugh would sound like, what it would be like to have my two precious boys together with me here on earth.. December 8th and 10th, however, are days when something absolutely awful happened, something that I will never forget, that time cannot protect me from. The memories are so vivid. I can't get them out of my mind. . . .

On December 8th, we had to go and do some shopping. I wasn't really feeling up to it, but with Andrew's schedule the way it is, there really wasn't any other option. I was wandering around the shops in a kind of daze, having great trouble holding back the tears (the floodgates opened when we got home). One thing I did decide to do, but was pretty difficult, was to get a toy suitable for a baby Nicholas's age to put under the KMart Wishing Tree. I chose a Fisher Price Singin' Snail Pail. I think Nicholas would have really liked it and can imagine him opening it on Christmas morning. The little baby who gets it will no doubt love it too. It is a big snail with 10 different-shaped stackable blocks inside and a top that can act as a shape sorter. It also makes a noise when you rock it (that part I don't particularly like, but you can always "run out" of batteries!)

I have found myself worrying more this week about Katelyn. One night I was feeling very few movements for some time (when she is usually the most active). Eventually she must have woken up, because she started doing her usual gymnastics. Nevertheless, the anniversary of Nicholas's death has made me more insecure about this pregnancy. Not knowing for sure why Nicholas died makes it really hard, because I am always worried that I might accidentally do something that will harm Katelyn. (I still question whether I am to blame for Nicholas's death.) I am being as careful as I can, even to the point of probably going overboard with avoiding certain types of food and so on, but the worry is still there.

My parents gave me some money to buy whatever I like for Christmas. I decided to buy some stuff for the rest of the pregnancy and after the birth. I got one of those balls to sit on or lean my back against, and also ordered a "Little Squirt" toilet attachment for rinsing off dirty nappies. The "Little Squirt" arrived this week but when Thomas and I were trying to attach it, I discovered the hose part was too short. Normally I would have been pretty annoyed about that anyway, but in my emotionally fragile state I ended up sitting there on the bathroom floor blubbering my eyes out. I was having trouble even re-attaching the normal toilet hose so the cistern was leaking water all over the floor. I ended up calling the company who said to mail them the part that was too short plus tell them the length I need and they will mail me a new one, so in the end it was no real drama. At the time though it seemed like the end of the world. I don't need a shrink to tell me though that it wasn't really the toilet that was upsetting me - every time some little thing goes wrong and I start getting upset about it, the tears I end up crying are for my precious baby Nicholas . . .

My obstetrician appointment went pretty well. He went over my blood test results with me (I had previously just rung up the secretary). They WEREN'T actually completely fine as I had been told - I am quite anemic and have had to start on iron tablets. Apparently my iron levels at the start of the pregnancy were very good, but now they have dropped quite markedly. The doctor asked me if I had been feeling really tired and I could have said, "Only since about June 1996" (which is when I fell pregnant with Thomas - have been exhausted ever since!), but wasn't feeling all that witty at the time.

My BP was 125/80, which is quite high for me, especially as it has been around the 95/60 mark each time I have had it tested at the GP recently. He wasn't worried though so I guess I shouldn't be either. Katelyn is definitely head down now, as I suspected, and that is very good news of course. My uterus measured just over 29cm, and as I was 29 weeks and 3 days on the day of the appointment, I was pronounced "textbook". Katelyn's heartbeat was 146 and all seemed fine.

From now on, I will be going for appointments more frequently - every two weeks for the next three times and then weekly (if I am still pregnant then - never made it to weekly appointments with Thomas!). My OB is going away on holidays from when I will be 33 weeks until 35 weeks and we joked that I will need to keep my legs crossed during that time if I want him to be at the birth. For my 34-week appointment, I will be seeing his colleague, who actually delivered Thomas, as back then my current OB, this guy, plus the OB I was seeing at the time, worked together to handle weekends and holidays. I FAR prefer my current OB to the guy who delivered Thomas, although at least I know he is a good OB - he managed a very tricky rotation forceps delivery pretty well!

I am starting to find some things are a bit beyond me physically. Mopping the floors, which mind you has never been my favourite task, is now almost torture for my back. I HATE dirty floors, and with a 4-year-old and three pets, they definitely need to be done frequently. Actually doing them is SO hard though - I am in agony both during the job and then for the rest of the day, plus the fact that I always start contracting a LOT when I do them. Other things are getting tricky too. As my rib pain is just getting worse each week, standing up to do the ironing is also very trying to put it mildly.

I am also finding it increasingly hard to keep up with Thomas, both at a physical level and dealing with discipline issues. Physically he is VERY active and it is exhausting getting through the long days with him! Yesterday he wanted his indoor tent assembled, which is tricky at the best of times, but near impossible in my current state. Then I sat in it with him for a while, but when I got out I started getting VERY painful contractions that actually had me moaning! Oh my! His behaviour has also been very testing unfortunately. One day he threw a massive tantrum that literally went on for an HOUR! I'm sure the neighbours enjoyed that little show. At least I was able to act calm (I wasn't FEELING calm!) and didn't so much as raise my voice at any stage. Probably just as well, as Thomas was making enough noise for the two of us put together! Yikes!

It feels really weird being both grieving for Nicholas and excited about Katelyn. It's hard to describe it. I feel sometimes like I am losing my mind, but I guess it's probably normal to have these emotions. I'm getting there as best I can!

Pregnancy Week By Week Guide, Week 30

week 31  |  Week 29
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