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Gayesy's pregnancy after loss journal

Week 31
~ Nesting - Big Time!

This week started with a very amusing dream. I was in labour, at full term. I was fully dilated and just starting to get the urge to push when Thomas popped up out of nowhere (he will be at my parents' house near the hospital when I am in labour) and said, "Mummy, it's time for the second stage now!". Then I pushed and out came this beautiful little girl. She was actually VERY little, and the nurses were trying to convince me that I couldn't actually have been full term after all as she only weighed 5 lbs 8 1/2 oz (I must be very precise when dreaming! LOL!). She was perfectly healthy though. The really funny thing was her hair - it was very dark, much like Thomas's was at birth, except that she had blonde streaks in it (Andrew has blonde foils done in his hair!). It was SO funny to see my newborn with blonde streaks! Thomas thought that was hilarious when I told him about the dream.

I had another very vivid dream one other night that was not so amusing. I was back at the school where I used to work and someone made some comment about how hugely fat I was. I was SO upset when I woke up that I started crying. I guess it just goes to show how upset I am about my body right now. The weight gain is really getting to me in a big way. I have now gained a total of 25 pounds. Most weeks I seem to put on about a pound but sometimes out of the blue I step on my scales and find I have put on some ridiculous amount like 2 or 3 pounds in one week (this happened a couple of weeks back)! I absolutely FREAK OUT when that happens! I guess 25 pounds at 31 weeks isn't TOO bad, but boy will I be happy when the figures on the scales stop going up and start going down again!

I have been starting to feel some sense of urgency to get ready for the birth. I know that theoretically I have about two months to go, maybe even a bit more if I "go over", but the fact that Thomas made his appearance at 36 weeks has me wanting to be prepared by then or a bit before, which is really only a month away now. I have never been someone to leave things until the last minute and it actually gives me a great sense of satisfaction in gradually working through my list of things to do.

Thomas and I got the bassinet and baby bath out (they were stored in the garage), and I even washed up all the little bassinet sheets. Katelyn will be sleeping with me at night and no doubt will nap in the sling a fair bit, but as we own a bassinet I figured I would get it out so I have somewhere safe and comfortable for her to take the occasional nap or even for her to lie in for a minute when I use the toilet. We even got out the baby capsule (infant rear-facing carseat) and practised putting it in the car, checking that Thomas's booster seat would fit in as well. We won't actually put the capsule in for good just yet, but I wanted to know it fitted properly and it does thankfully. Thomas even tried it out with his Baby Born doll. I also washed and ironed my two favourite slings and packed them in the new nappy bag I bought. Even though I aim to do mostly cloth nappies, I did buy one packet of Huggies for use on outings. They are SO tiny - it is hard to believe she will be that little! On top of all this, I also washed and ironed all the couch covers! Talk about nesting instinct!

One day I defrosted the freezer. I have two comments to make about that: 1) It is AMAZING what you can find up the back of a freezer when it hasn't been cleaned out for a few months and 2) The next time we need to buy a fridge, we are going to bypass cyclic defrost and get one with a frost free freezer!! Defrosting is not one of my favourite tasks, although I must say that the sense of accomplishment I felt afterwards was HUGE! I almost went as far as taking a photo of the newly-cleaned-out-and-defrosted freezer! Heaven help me! I bought some containers at the supermarket that can go from freezer to microwave to dishwasher, so after Christmas I plan on making up a few big batches of spaghetti sauce, some casseroles and maybe some mini quiches too. They will come in handy in those first post-birth weeks no doubt!

On Monday afternoon, we went and saw the pediatrician. It went just as well as I was expecting. He is almost a family friend now! I still thank God for making things work out the way they did in us getting this pedi. When I was in labour with Thomas, Dr. B. had been called in to be at the birth of the baby in the next labour suite and as Thomas was in distress, preemie, and I needed a forceps delivery, they asked if he would come next door to assist. We hadn't met him before and knew nothing about how good a doctor he was nor how much our parenting ideas would be compatible. It turns out that he is one of the top neonatal pediatricians in the country AND that he is very much "into" attachment parenting. He has been a great support to us over the years, and has even helped us out when I have been ill (eg. pulled a few strings to get me a private room at the hospital so Thomas could stay with me and nurse and co-sleep). He has two lactation consultants who work from his rooms, both of whom are excellent. I feel in very safe hands with him - I trust him and he trusts me. Have I raved enough? LOL!

Anyway, we talked about issues such as the Hepatitis B vaccination, which is now on the schedule to be started at birth. I said that I wasn't at all convinced that this was necessary starting at birth and Dr. B. said that it wasn't! He is very supportive of us delaying this. I also asked about the possibility of Katelyn having her Vitamin K orally rather than via intramuscular injection and he agreed that this was fine and a good idea to save her the pain of an injection whenever possible. He was just so supportive of what we want to do and that means a lot to me as I respect him so much.

This week I realised unfortunately that I was the subject of terrible nastiness from some people who I used to call my friends. They were making fun of my thoughts and feelings throughout this pregnancy and of me in general. It amazes me sometimes the capacity that some people have for cruelty and their inability to be compassionate and to try to empathise. I must say that I am very grateful that many people have at least tried to understand what it is like to go through a subsequent pregnancy after an unexplained late miscarriage. Sure, unless someone has actually been there themselves (and I wouldn't wish that on anyone) it would be hard to imagine the pain and the worry, but most people have been very kind and given me great support. Of course I have had my share of well-meaning but misguided comments since my loss! One woman, on learning of my miscarriage, said, "Oh well, at least you can always have another one!". I imagine that many women who experience the loss of a baby get comments such as that from people who genuinely don't mean to be hurtful but simply don't understand. What is so disappointing and very sad indeed that others not only are INTENTIONALLY mean but that they seem to get so much ENJOYMENT out of it, especially during the week of the anniversary of losing little Nicholas (when the comments were made). How low can you go?? Enough said about that . . .

This next week will be busy: Andrew's and my 12th wedding anniversary is on Sunday, I have my next OB appointment on Monday, Christmas is on Tuesday and on Wednesday we will be seeing more relatives. Andrew actually has the week off work, so we might even go for a drive one day to the beach! Just don't alert Greenpeace please! LOL!

I am feeling pretty good about getting ready. Of course there are still things to do but working my way through my list gives me a sense of achievement and security. It's FUN too! I love opening the drawers and looking at those tiny little baby things, marvelling at the tiny little Huggies, putting extra things in the new nappy bag and so on! I am looking forward with hope to when my precious little Katelyn arrives.

Pregnancy Week By Week Guide, Week 31

week 32  |  Week 30
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