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Gayesy's pregnancy after loss journal

Week 40
~ Can't believe I'm still here!

Okay, I joked a few times that I would go overdue. I never really thought that I would though! Yikes! I can't believe it is my due date and Baby Katelyn is still in there. Maybe things are just too comfy or something, but gee. It's not like "the outside" would be that bad. I have been promising her as many cuddles as she wants, breast milk "on tap", all the love in the world. I must say that I am starting to lose faith that my body is going to go into labour on its own, well, anytime before Katelyn's health starts to suffer anyway. I SO wanted to have a naturally starting and progressing labour, but now am just not so sure if that will be possible. I guess I will wait and see what happens over the next week or so.

On Saturday and Sunday, I was feeling so incredibly rotten physically that I really thought labour might be just around the corner. On Sunday in particular, my pelvis, which had already been giving me pretty major pain, felt almost like it had broken! My lower back was also very sore indeed, with the pains coming on every five minutes or so. I thought that maybe these might be "real" contractions, but when Thomas and Andrew went out for a little while and I had a chance to lie down, things calmed down. Then over the afternoon things started heating up again, and I had to rock and so on to help me through the pain. I rang the labour ward just to see what the midwife thought and I was surprised that she said to come in to check it out. Of course, as soon as we got in the car, the pains stopped (isn't that always the way?), but the two midwives on duty (one of whom was Sarah, who did our refresher course back in December), were SO nice. They did a 20-minute trace on the monitor, and it showed that there was something going on, minor contractions approximately every ten minutes, but that this was probably just normal pre-labour. I barely even felt the contractions during that time, and imagine that the ones I had been experiencing earlier on would have showed up better, as those ones were quite painful. Katelyn's heart rate showed she was very healthy, which was great. She kept trying to kick off the monitor though! LOL! I wasn't examined internally, as they felt there was no need to do so, and was sent home in time to cook dinner.

On Monday I had another OB appointment. Each week when I go, I can barely imagine how annoyed I will feel if I have to go again the next week, but I am kind of getting used to that disappointment now! Maybe I should just tell myself I will have her at 45 weeks and then I will stop getting my hopes dashed! LOL! My BP was 130/80, which is higher than it has ever been before. My doctor said that he wasn't really worried, but that given my swelling and the fact that there was still protein in my urine, he wanted to do some blood tests to check my liver function, just to be sure. He said he would contact me if there was a problem and I haven't heard from him, so that's good news! If there had been a problem, he would have wanted to induce me. He said that he wouldn't want to see me go much more than ten days overdue, but that he would start doing some more testing soon to see how Katelyn is coping. Basically, if she is okay then she stays in there until she decides to come on out; if there is any question that she is better off out, then I get induced. Good news is that at this point she seems perfectly fine AND my cervix is "very ripe" and 2-3cm dilated so I am ready to go!

On Wednesday I felt quite weird! When I left Thomas at preschool, I felt quite teary as I was walking back to the car (nothing had happened to make me that way - Thomas was very happy indeed to be there). Then when I got home I felt quite sick and had to spend a while in the bathroom. I decided I just HAD to go through my hospital bag, re-pack it, fill up the dog food container, put out the bins, you name it. Talk about nesting! All the while I was getting some little pains in my lower back and tummy. By this stage I was so sick of getting my hopes up that I didn't even bother timing them or anything! That afternoon, things heated up a fair bit, with painful contractions coming every five minutes for several hours. I also had more diarrhea, and was losing large blobs of "stuff" - it wasn't blood-stained, but I am guessing it must have been my mucous plug. Eventually, as has happened every other time I have started to think it might be "it", things petered out. Bummer!

Thursday was much the same, except that I felt even sicker, had worse pains, and the colour of the mucous had started to change a bit (still not bloody though). I weighed myself and have lost about a pound in the past half week. I guess all these things add up to say that SOMETHING is happening, but really, I have been in some sort of tortuous pre-labour for weeks now. I am feeling quite down about the whole thing, losing confidence in my body and starting to doubt if it will ever happen naturally.

I REALLY want to go into labour naturally, and to have it progress without intervention. I want to be able to have faith in my body but as the days go by it so hard to keep thinking positively. Logic would tell me that it could happen any day now, but in my heart I no longer believe this. I figure that my body just isn't working properly and I will end up having to be induced sometime in the next couple of weeks.

I would love it if anyone reading could think labour vibes for me! Easy ones would be even better!! I have been TRYING so hard to be patient, but the worry, the pain and so on are just getting to me. I have waited so long to meet my little girl and would dearly love her to arrive as soon as possible.

Pregnancy Week By Week Guide, Week 40

birth story  |  Week 39
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