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Gayesy's pregnancy after loss journal

Week 6
~ Definitely Feeling Pregnant!

At the very beginning of the week I was getting worried that I wasn't feeling "pregnant enough". I went to bed feeling quite down. Well, the very next morning, I woke up to breasts which seemed to have grown overnight and had started hurting heaps again! Then I had some cereal and up that all came ten minutes later. Thomas was very amused to see Mummy vomiting, and I was actually quite pleased because it was reassuring.

I feel like I have been spending half my life in the bathroom! Between the frequent peeing, the alternating constipation and diarrhea, and the occasional vomiting, I think I am seeing way too little of the rest of the house! I am feeling FAR more bloated than in either of my other pregnancies, and feel like I look about 16 weeks pregnant already (even though there is no weight gain yet other than the 1-2 pounds I actually put on for some reason as soon as conception had occurred). It is actually quite uncomfortable to have all this gas bloating, to the extent that I can't stand to have anything at all close fitting around my tummy. I even wore a maternity pinafore (that's what Americans call a jumper I believe) to the shops one day because I felt so awful.

The food situation has been a bit tricky! I am determined to eat well but sometimes I just feel too sick to envisage eating anything. So what I have decided to do is to allow myself to ease up a bit about the health content if I am feeling very sick. If I can possibly manage it, I am eating foods from what I consider my "healthy" list (eg. freshly squeezed orange juice, wholemeal bread, fresh fruit and vegetables, lean meats, pasta, low fat low sugar breakfast cereal etc). If I am feeling too ill to contemplate any of these things then I let myself eat something from the "not great but okay" list (eg. one night for dinner I had a toasted crumpet with golden syrup because that is all I could stomach). What I am absolutely avoiding is food from the "dangerous" list (eg. anything at high risk of listeria or salmonella - such as pre-prepared salads, pate, cold chicken, cold meats, soft cheeses - caffeinated drinks apart from one cup of very weak tea each morning, artificial sugar). I am making sure I drink heaps of water each day too and even though I am usually not "big" on drinking water (being a diet coke fan), I am managing to do this without too much trouble.

Thomas has taken quite an interest in his Baby Born doll lately! He is so looking forward to having a real baby around the place and talks often about cuddling him or her, blowing raspberries on the baby's tummy, and teaching the baby how to "have the bees" (breastfeed).

It has been really hard with Andrew so busy at work and in the final stages of his PhD. Sometimes I feel like a single parent! Thomas misses him so much and takes his frustration out on me, which is especially hard now that I am so tired and in a constant state of anxiety about the baby. I can't wait for the study to be over so that we can spend some time together as a family and also so that I don't need to be "on duty" on my own so much. Thomas is lovely, but he is quite a handful at times and after being with him all day (and he doesn't nap anymore!), I really feel exhausted.

Towards the end of this week, the exhaustion started hitting me even harder! One night I was sitting at the dinner table and was simply too tired to eat. I just HAD to go and lie down on the bed. Andrew cleared up all the dinner stuff, bathed Thomas and watched a video with him, which gave me some time to rest. I felt SO guilty though! Andrew didn't get any of his study done. I also think I am a bit of a control freak - I am so used to caring for Thomas practically all the time that when Andrew is "in charge" I feel really strange.

All this tiredness has got me worrying about how I will cope with a new baby. Munchkin is due around the time Thomas will be starting pre-school. How on earth will I manage getting all of us out of the house and getting him there by 9am? What if I am so tired that I am a really bad mother? I feel a bit silly worrying about this now, and I have wanted a baby with every fibre of my being for SO long, but if I am exhausted NOW, what on earth will I be like taking care of Thomas AND a newborn??

On the last afternoon of this sixth week, I went to the toilet, wiped and there on the toilet paper with some cervical mucous was a spot of blood. I got such a shock and started crying. All afternoon I kept going to the bathroom and checking, but thankfully there was no more blood. That eased my mind slightly, but really I now feel SO much more anxious than I did before. This really early part of the pregnancy is so hard in that there really isn't much reassurance to be had. If I had an ultrasound right now, even if there was a heartbeat, it would be too soon to see it! So I have to wait . . . and wait . . . and wait. I have my first appointment with the obstetrician at the very beginning of week 9 (only two weeks to go) so I will just have to hold out until then. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up as the ultrasound is showing a heartbeat on a healthy looking little Munchkin!

Pregnancy Week By Week Guide, Week 6

week 7  |  Week 5
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