Oh boy! When I started TTC again, I knew that this pregnancy would be a bit of an emotional roller coaster, but I had NO IDEA just how terrified I would be.
After that one spot of blood on the Tuesday night, I was able to keep the anxiety pretty much under control. BUT THEN, two nights later, I had dreadful cramps and went to the toilet and had severe diarrhea. While I was there I felt like I passed something from you-know-where, looked into the toilet and saw something red. I fished it out (gross, I know), wiped the blood off, and saw what looked like a tiny embryo. It was about the size it should be at the stage I was at (this was on Thursday night). I then decided I must be crazy and flushed it. I TRIED not to think too much more about this, but all these thoughts were going through my head! "What if I really did lose my baby and flushed it down the loo?", " Wouldn't there have been a lot more bleeding if that really was the case??" I know I probably sound really stupid, but this really had me worried. I felt like I was going crazy!
Then two more nights later I started spotting again, and this time there was more than just a spot. I wasn't sure what to do, whom to ring etc as it was 8pm on a Saturday night, so I rang the maternity unit where I am booked in as I know that all the nurses there are midwives and they might be able to at least advise me what to do. The nurse I spoke to said to ring the obstetrician at home or to go into the emergency part of the hospital.
I chose to ring the doctor. He said that as there wasn't any pain or significant blood loss (not that if either of these things happen it necessarily means it is a problem mind you) it PROBABLY didn't mean I was going to miscarry, but to put my feet up and let him know if things got any worse. He also said to call his office on Monday morning if I hadn't needed to call him earlier so I can go in and have an ultrasound.
I spent an incredibly anxious Sunday. Andrew took Thomas over to visit his parents and then took him to his work for a while after that. I could barely get out of bed; I just felt so exhausted, both from the pregnancy I guess but all that worry wasn't helping either. I just lay there for hours having alternating feelings of despair, "It's all over! I'm never going to have a baby", and reassuring thoughts. I cried a lot. I think I was unprepared for the intensity of my worry. If this had happened in my pregnancy with Thomas I think I would have had little trouble in keeping the fear in proportion.
I rang the ob's secretary first thing Monday morning and she said she would squeeze me in at 3pm and then rang back a little bit later to say that they had just had a cancellation at 2:30pm so could I come then. Of course I said yes!
The obstetrician understood my concerns and went straight to do the ultrasound. There it was! An egg sac and a little embryo, with a beating heart. He said it all looked fine at this stage, and that it seemed roughly the right size for my dates (didn't measure though - I think his equipment doesn't do that).
I am seeing him again in two more weeks and probably every two weeks after that just so I can get frequent reassurance. He also said I can ring him anytime if I am worried, but that really things are looking good (although he said that he imagines I won't really be able to relax until my baby is in my arms).
My blood pressure was VERY low, as he put it "at passing out level". No wonder I feel so shocking - LOL! I really don't care though, as long as my little Munchkin is okay!
In the waiting room, Thomas demonstrated what a wonderful big brother he will be. A lady came in carrying a tiny little girl, probably only a few weeks old. (The offices are shared by a pediatrician.) She had her mother with her too. As soon as Thomas saw the baby, he went over to the toy box, searched for a minute or so and then came back with a little pink rattle. He handed it to the baby's mother. How sweet! He asked if he could please have a better look at the baby and she knelt down so he could.
The grandmother asked Thomas if he had a little sister and he said, "No, not yet" and then if he had a little brother. He answered, "Yes, but he died." We talk about little Nicholas often, and I am glad that Thomas hasn't forgotten about him. He knows that he is in Heaven and he will get to see him one day.
I found out something else great about the obstetrician! Whereas the ob I was seeing the last pregnancy charges like a wounded bull for the delivery ($800 over the amount I could get back from insurance - which means she charges about THREE TIMES what the government sets down as a fair and reasonable price for the service), this doctor charges the "schedule fee" and we will not be out of pocket AT ALL for the delivery and any hospital visits. For out-of-hospital visits I will only have to pay about $7 each time except when I have a scan.
We went out to dinner on Monday night for a little celebration! I am feeling as sick as a dog, totally exhausted and VERY happy to be feeling this way. One day at a time . . .