I have started having dreams and daydreams about this baby. Even though it is hard for me to really accept that I might actually have a live baby in my arms come February, I guess at least part of me is starting to think it is a possibility. When I fell pregnant with Thomas I just ASSUMED I would be having a baby, with Nicholas I had a bad feeling in my gut from the start (even though I tried to be positive) - with this baby, I am just too scared and I guess jaded to know WHAT to think!
One dream was about giving birth! I actually pushed my baby out myself - no forceps this time, no drugs, just me working with my body. My baby was beautiful but I don't know what the sex was. I have been thinking a lot about finding out the gender at the 18 week scan. Even getting as far as the 18 week scan seems very uncertain to me, but I think that if we get that far, with everything going okay up to that stage, I will be feeling pretty darned good. We would love to find out the gender if at all possible - not that we have any preference, but we really think it helps to bond even before the birth. With Thomas, we were able to refer to him by his name, rather than "the baby" from 18 weeks or so, buy the cutest little baby boy outfits (I am not all that keen on "generic gender" clothes), and he REALLY seemed like he had been a part of the family for a long time when we first met him.
If all goes well, this will be our last baby. There are a number of reasons for this, not the least of which is my age. I will turn 35 next March and I always said that I wanted to be finished childbearing by that stage. It is kind of a mental block that I have, if that makes any sense. So whatever gender this little Munchkin is, this will be "it". I used to always think that if I never had a daughter I would feel a great sense of loss, but now I must admit that I feel reconciled with that, and whatever gender my little Munchkin is, I will be GENUINELY delighted. All babies are gifts from God, all are special in their own little way, and all are incredibly precious!
If the ultrasound guy says "It's a boy!", I think I will feel delight, joy, excitement, and the quiet confidence of knowing what it is like to already have one (LOL!). I have three nephews also, but no nieces, so I think I would feel a bit of trepidation at the thought of the unknown if it is a girl! We also have heaps of little boy clothes and little boy toys (we never pushed Thomas one way or the other, but he has always gravitated towards trucks, builder toys, action men etc). If the ultrasound guy announces it is a girl, I will also feel delight, joy and excitement! I think Andrew would have to confiscate my Mastercard though, because I can see myself going on a MAJOR spending spree, buying up everything pink, lilac and feminine in sight!! Come to think of it, I think I will want to go on a spending spree no matter what the gender - I just can't resist baby clothes!
I have still been feeling incredibly sick. My diet has been far from what I consider ideal - I am lucky if I can manage to eat anything at all. The nausea is with me all day everyday, and is severe enough that if I smell or see food I have to do deep breathing to stop myself actually vomiting. Even so, I somehow managed to put on about half a pound this week! EEK!! The exhaustion is also overwhelming. I was never THIS tired with either of my other pregnancies. I am finding it hard to do anything, and by evening, I am almost in tears because I just want to lie down but can't. Thomas has been pretty good and we have been watching some videos together while sitting or lying on the couch - this gives me at least a short time when I can get some rest. Each day I take him outside so he can run around with the dog for a while and let off some steam. On really nice days, he spends quite some time playing with her. It is working wonders for the dog, who is now at her "target weight" LOL! We also bought Thomas a new swing seat so he is loving playing with that. The weather has been quite cool at night, but the days are glorious - too glorious to be cooped up inside all day.
My breasts have been growing like nobody's business! I bought myself two new bras two weeks ago, one size bigger than the ones I bought last pregnancy, and they are starting to feel uncomfortable. (But then, my "bees" are so darned sore that I imagine anything would feel awful at the moment!) Thomas decided to have a nurse the other day, after not having had one for some time and he was rather pleasantly surprised. His comment was, "Oh WOW! This is GREAT!!" Talk about a boob man - LOL! It does hurt when he nurses but it is so nice to have that closeness and it is only for such a short time that it doesn't bother me too much.
Andrew has been incredibly busy still, and it is getting me down. At his job, he is basically doing the work of several people, so is often late home and working on the weekend. He even pulled an all-nighter this week, only coming home at 6am briefly to change his shirt and have some breakfast before heading straight back. On top of that, he is still going on his PhD and works on that after he gets home, and is gone until very late one night per week and a fair bit of Saturday to go to the university. He is exhausted, I am exhausted, and poor little Thomas is missing Andrew and missing having an active Mummy. I really hope the study is finished very soon!
I had one more bout of spotting this week, but was able to pass it off lightly, remembering the doctor's words (that if there is no pain, I can't be miscarrying). I went and had all the usual blood tests (syphilis, rubella immunity, all the stuff they always test for in early pregnancy). Thomas held my hand, the little sweetie!
On the last afternoon of this week, I had what I believe is called a pregnancy migraine. I had a bit of a headache all morning and then quite suddenly I lost part of my sight. It wasn't painful - just very unpleasant. Thankfully it passed within fifteen minutes or so. I had a couple of these when I was pregnant with Thomas, so wasn't really worried, just a bit put out by it all!
It feels quite good to be starting to dream about this baby. I certainly don't feel great confidence, but it is exciting to at least think about the possibility of everything going well.