~ Slowly But Surely!
As each week passes, I feel a sense of triumph. Even though I know I am not out of the woods yet, and the thought that something could go wrong is never far from my mind, somehow as I get through each day, and the days become another week, I feel like I have achieved something. As time goes by, the risks diminish. Not all that long now until I will be into the second trimester! I think that if I get that far and all scans and so on have been fine up to that point, I will feel more confident. (I think that even though little Nicholas didn't die until around week 14 or 15, there was something wrong before then.) I am having a nuchal translucency scan in the twelfth week, so having one of the country's top ultrasound guys (who is also an ob/gyn but only does scans nowadays) taking a good look at little Munchkin will hopefully give me the reassurance I would love.
This fellow is amazing! When I had my 18 week scan with Thomas, I was actually in hospital with a chest infection and bad asthma, so I got wheeled downstairs to his rooms in the medical centre. When Andrew and I entered his room, he asked us if this was our first child and when we told him that it was he said, "You guys don't know what you are in for!" My first reaction was anger, but I kept my mouth shut! I was sick to death of people telling tales of woe, how having a child ruins your life etc, etc. BUT then he proceeded to say this (I will never forget what he said even though it was five years ago!), "When my wife was pregnant with our first child, I was excited, of course, but I had no idea what to expect. When we found out she was pregnant with our second child though, I was TINGLING with excitement because by then I know how amazing and wonderful having a child is." Now THAT is the sort of man I want doing my scans!! He was also so sweet and kind to me when he did the scan that showed Nicholas had died. I think that if I were to get any more bad news, I would want it to come from him. On top of that, he has the best equipment in Australia, and is extremely experienced. He has NEVER been wrong with gender either - everyone knows that if Dr. Frank says it is a boy, it is a boy, and if he says it's a girl, you can bet on that too!
The morning sickness is starting to get me down! I have always had this "thing" about nausea - it is one sensation that I really can't stand. I would rather be in pain than feeling like I am going to throw up. It's quite funny actually because when we were newly married, I got this dreadful tummy bug and headed off to the doctor. He asked me if there was any way I could be pregnant and I told him that I was sure I wasn't because I actually had my period right then (plus we were using birth control), and anyway, "I am feeling so incredibly sick - far too sick to just be pregnant". LOL!! I should have known my words would come back to haunt me. I genuinely was naive (ie. stupid) enough to think that morning sickness when it occurred was quite mild and nothing at all like the nausea that came with a gastric virus. Oops!! I haven't been actually vomiting very often compared to what some women go through (usually only once or twice a day), but that awful sensation is with me all my waking hours. I tend to start off most mornings these days heaving up bile - YUCK! I wish I had the opportunity to sleep more so that I could escape it.
I have had more spotting - towards the end of this week it has been every time I go to the toilet and wipe. When it happens, I really do try not to panic. I remind myself that if I were miscarrying, I would feel a lot of pain. The problem is that I know that the pain could hit at any time. The fact that I am not in pain RIGHT NOW is no guarantee at all. I am really not sure what I would do if we lost this child. I think in some ways that having experienced a loss and survived through it means I know I could cope - on the other hand, I feel like I am at my limit as to how much I can cope with. I don't think I would manage at all well with another loss, and really think that I would probably not be prepared to risk it another time. Sometimes I feel like I am testing fate. I have one perfect child here with me, and I feel almost greedy wanting another one. I try not to dwell on these feelings, because I know they are negative, morbid and probably not at all helpful, but they are there in the back of my mind . . .
I had another appointment with the obstetrician and thankfully he did another scan. Little Munchkin is hanging in there! It is quite a relief to see him/her there with a little heart beating away. It seems that I might be two or three days behind what I thought I was, but I will keep the same EDD for my own purposes because it just saves messing around. I even got a picture this time to take home with me, which is good because unfortunately Andrew was unable to make it to the appointment. The doctor's exact words were, "Nothing can go wrong now". Well, the problem is that I know all too well that there are actually LOTS of things that could go wrong. At least him saying that means that he is feeling confident. At least one of us is! LOL!
The problem with getting an ultrasound is that the reassurance is so short-lived. As soon as I got home again and saw more spotting on the toilet paper, the worries started flooding back. The spotting has actually been worse since the scan - maybe because my cervix is irritated I guess. Having had a missed miscarriage I know all too well that babies can sometimes die without you actually having heavy bleeding or cramping straight away. This thought is really scary! I knew this pregnancy would be hard, but until I experienced it I had no real idea! This is SO difficult to get through - I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up as I am pushing out a perfect little baby next February. Each week seems like a year!! Oh well, onwards I go . . .