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Heather's Pregnancy Journal

Week 13
~ Gaseous Vapors and the Boss

After this pregnancy, I think I'll sit down and write a book explaining each of my cramps. I will explain the difference between round ligament pain and gastrointestinal cramping from eating Eggplant Parmesan. I will let the world know what it feels to suffer from terrible post-onion heartburn and indigestion, and why this will feel different from actual uterine pain. I will talk about flatulence. Yes, I said the word flatulence. (Okay Mom-you did teach me not to pass gas in front of others, and I appreciate the lesson, but I just can't help it!) I gotta tell you-if you hang around me an hour after a meal-wear a gas mask. I know it's crude; I know I am embarrassing my whole family by just admitting to my bloated, smelly self, but get over it. This, world, is pregnancy.

Do I love it? Yep, every minute. And I enjoy keeping up with my husband in the gaseous vapors department. A taste of his own medicine, I say. Sorry honey.

So I can officially say, I think, that my nausea is gone. I've not once missed a meal in two weeks. No aversions, just desires for chocolate cake and popcorn. Not that stale microwave stuff either-the real popcorn. You know, the kind Grandma used to make. Put it in a pan, shake it over the burner until your arm feels like it is going to fall off. The good stuff. Of course, I have no popcorn-making capabilities, so I am just barely settling for the microwave variety. Yes, I can operate a microwave. I can even heat canned vegetables in one-and I always remember to take the veggies out of the can first!

Work has become more and more difficult for me though. I'm writing and editing slower than I've ever done in the past. When I get a batch of stuff to edit, I practically fall asleep within the first two minutes. In fact, I'll just go ahead and admit this, I've fallen asleep several times at work. I've mastered the I'm-really-awake-but-just-resting-my-head-on-my-hands-with-my-hair-over-my-eyes look, and I don't think anyone knows the difference. Besides, they all know I'm pregnant so I don't think much would be said if I were caught.

Telling my boss was interesting-I have to back track a bit to tell this story, but I'm sure pregnant women everywhere want to know. I have a fairly secluded cubicle, and I frequently eat lunch while seated at my desk. My boss has never come around during the lunch hour, so I thought I'd sneak a peek at The Girlfriend's Guide to Pregnancy. I carefully pulled it out of my briefcase, and tucked myself into a corner so that no one could get a glimpse of what I was reading. So just as I got into the book, I hear this booming voice, "So what are you reading today, Heather?" Holy Cow! I jumped 8 feet in the air, all the while trying to flip my book over so I wouldn't be discovered. I guess he is a fast reader, because he read the title aloud and just shook his head. I was mortified. He said he was going to run an errand, and he'd be back shortly. So, when he got back, I told him. I didn't want to insult his intelligence. Now, I told him straight out-I'm pregnant; I'll work up until I'm due; and I need six weeks off for maternity leave. Then I told him that I was telling him because he'd caught me reading that book. You want to know what he said? He said he didn't think anything about me reading that book. He thought it was part of my research for the childcare/pregnancy section I was working on! Arrgghh! Oh well-he knows; it went well. Honesty paid off-this time. Ha!

Until next week, TTFN.

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