Week 21 ~ May 19, 2002
~ A Letter to Sam
Today I finally understood the completeness of a mother's love. No one had to explain it to me; no one had to describe it. Instead, it hit me with such excruciatingly sweet power as I lay on the sonogram table, carefully watching the screen to confirm my suspicions that you were, in fact, a boy.
You see Sam, I never understood a mother's love. I never understood how some woman could still love her child after heinous acts were committed. I never understood how a woman could still support her child after he or she repeatedly made bad decisions. I now see that a mother has no choice but to always love her child-no matter her feelings toward the child's actions. I know that we will have hard times. There will be days that you are disappointed in my mothering ability, just as there will be days that I am disappointed in your actions. But know this: My love for you will never lessen. It will never falter. You are my child, and my love for you is stronger than any other emotion I have ever felt.
You were so shy in your sonogram. You were very sleepy at first, and we began to think you would stay tucked in a fetal position the entire appointment, therefore not allowing us to see your beautiful legs, arms, fingers and toes. I offered to stand on my hands; I offered to do cartwheels. The more I talked, the more we could see you gently arousing from your slumber. You straightened out and stretched. My voice was the trick. As long as I spoke to you, you would stay active. Imagine my overwhelming feelings of acceptance when I discovered just how responsive to me you are! Needless to say, I now talk to you every chance I get. I know that our bond begins now, and I will coax its strength consistently and always.
Sam, we will have good times in our life together. I will always provide you with every opportunity to make you the best person you can become. There will be times that you do not understand my reasoning, despite the explanations. There will be times that you will believe me to be incompetent. But most of the time, we will love each other fiercely. Live under my guidance-I will teach you the most important facets of life. Live under your father's tutelage, as he will teach you those same important facets.
Only a short while, sweet Sam, and we will meet face to face, yet we will know that we've known each other all along.