Top ten things NOT to do during your third (yes, I'm finally in the third) trimester of pregnancy:
10. Expect emotional consistency. If you imagine yourself to be rock steady, get over it. Just when you think you have your emotions in check, they give you a big, fat jerk to teach you not to try and control them. They, after all, have complete control over you! I can make myself laugh so hard-I start to cry. Then sob. Then laugh. Then cry. And over and over again.
9. Expect photographs to be flattering. Yes, I know, we are all aglow in pregnancy. Actually, it is the hot flashes. My skin isn't more radiant because I'm feeling well-I'm just so hot I'm sweating buckets. Most importantly, when I saw my first pregnant photo I was shocked. Why was I expecting to see the same flat stomach I've always had? Did the developer know that I was pregnant, or did he or she just think I'd had 8,000 too many beers?
8. More than one thing at a time. Key word during the third trimester: Focus. Focus on what you are doing. You can no longer multitask-it will just make you cry. (See number 10.)
7. Take a quick nap at work. All the books tell you to nap during the day. While this is especially important to do on your day off or weekends, it isn't a good idea while at work. Especially if you've no place to take a nap except your desk. Picture the following scenario:
I was sitting at my desk when lunchtime approached. I carefully considered my options-sleep or eat. It was a hard decision, but sleeping won. But then I had to decide where, exactly, I was going to get this hard-earned nap. It was too hot to sleep in the car, and I didn't want to leave the engine running. We've no break area. Well, why not at my desk? So I lowered my chair and rested my head on my desk. No biggie. I was only going to sleep for about 15 minutes. One hour and 20 minutes later, I finally awoke to my boss asking if I needed to go home. When he said my name, I lifted my head so quickly I forgot to wipe the drool from my mouth. Score one for working pregnant women everywhere!
6. Compare your new bra size to your old bra size. I went to buy yet another 40DD and made the mistake of bringing it home, carefully laying it on the bed, and pulling my old bra out of the drawer and comparing sizes. I never knew 36Cs could look so small. I felt particularly lovely when Steve walked in the room and exclaimed, "Oh my gosh! I can't believe how big they are!"
5. Eat Tums in the middle of the night. Try to prepare yourself for midnight heartburn by taking the Tums before you brush your teeth. Last night I took Tums around 3 a.m., and I've never awoken with such bad breath in my entire life. It was so bad that it woke Steve up! Imagine waking up to your husband gently nudging you with a 10-foot pole saying, "Honey, could you please go brush your teeth?"
4. Take a road trip. It doesn't matter how short. An hour drive turns in to a two-hour drive. Imagine having to stop and pee every five minutes while in downtown traffic. Oh wait-I guess if you're reading this YOU CAN PROBABLY IMAGINE IT.
3. Hold your urine for longer than 10 minutes. If you attempt this, it is inevitable that your body will prompt a sneeze or cough to force you into releasing some of the pressure. At the same time, the baby will kick as forcefully as possible to regain some of "his" space. Then YOU have to change underwear.
2. Practice diapering and dressing your unborn baby's stuffed lamb. The diapers fit. The newborn clothing fits. But everyone around you thinks you're psychotic. Don't, especially, take pictures of your dressing the "baby." Pictures are evidence that can be used against you at a later date.
And the number one thing not to do in your third trimester of pregnancy:
Try to pass gas secretly in public. When you are pregnant, there is no such thing as a "softy." They are all loud. And everyone looks right at you. And nobody smiles. It is the one thing pregnant women cannot do and be considered charming.