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Heather's Pregnancy Journal

Week 32 ~ August 7, 2002
~ Questions and More Questions

Could a tiny little foot jammed into a rib really be so uncomfortable? You wouldn't think so, especially when you consider that Sam's foot is about the size of a small baby carrot. But sure enough, when he lodges it smack into a rib, there is no mistaking the sharp pain. I try to push back, you know, desperately vying for space in my own abdomen, but it is to no avail-the little stinker always wins. Does this mean he'll be as stubborn as I am? I think so, and it sure will make his life more interesting!

How do I know Sam is using his foot as a weapon vs. an arm or elbow? Because I went to the OB yesterday, and he is head down! Yeah! All systems go! (Of course, all systems go in at least five to seven weeks.) I'm so excited to think that in just a few weeks I could be holding this little guy in my arms, staring into his eyes, stumbling around-trying not to drop him! Hoping with all my might that I can master breastfeeding!

Breastfeeding is probably my biggest fear. I don't fear labor-now that I've said that, I don't want any emails concerning labor horror stories. It seems that every time I tell someone, in person, that I am not frightened of giving birth, they try and tell me their worst labor story to scare me. Are they jealous that I'm not scared of the whole process? Why would anyone want me to be scared? Frankly, I don't get it. Anyway, I am scared of breastfeeding-to that I gladly admit. I think about cracked nipples, frustration, starving my baby, doing it wrong, holding him incorrectly, blah, blah, blah. I signed up for a class, and I think it will be beneficial to some degree. Will it completely alleviate my fears? Probably not. But here's to trying, right?

Steve and I took Jarren to the circus last Saturday. As I watched, in complete awe, the whirls and twirls of the trapeze artists, the contortionist, the animals and clowns, I became aware of Sam's future firsts. The first time he sees a trapeze artist swinging through the air, the first time he sees elephants balancing on a tiny stool, the first time he sees 20 clowns stuffing themselves into a compact car, the first time he sees the lights, hustle and bustle of such a performance. What wonders he will encounter! I cannot wait to see the expression on his face when he watches people twirling through the air. I cannot wait to see shear amazement as he sees the bright lights flickering as tigers perform fascinating tricks! What will he think when he sees some crazy person riding a motorcycle across a high wire? Will he think, "I can do that too?" (Oh boy, I hope not!) Will he be fascinated by all his firsts? Will he respect life and all its excitement? Will he be the kind of person to appreciate all the blessings bestowed upon him? Will I be the kind of parent that can teach him to recognize those blessings? So many questions ran through my mind while sitting in the audience, trying to follow three rings of fun.

Will parenting always be so full of questions?

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