Six Weeks, 5 Days ~ April 9, 2004
~ Starting to Feel Real
Ah, the joy. Morning sickness all day long. It gets worse toward evening. I've found a few things really help:
- Enough sleep. The days I've felt worst are the ones where I stayed up too late the night before.
- Vitamin B6. Seems to stabilize things a lot.
- Eating and/or drinking constantly. Little sips of something, all day long, plus eating regularly are big helps, but the real relief is only about 20 minutes long, after each meal. Sigh.
- Self-hypnosis. I did a little self-hypnosis script to draw down Divine Light into my stomach and upper GI tract, to ease the whole distress thing. It really helped, and visualizing it again each time I get queasy (when I remember, anyway), helps ease things. Now if I could just REMEMBER to do that each time ...
- Relaxing. I've been tensing up my abdomen in anticipation of the nausea, which doesn't make anything better (the hypnosis may help relax that, too).
- Throwing up. My least favorite, but going and actually getting it over with does give me a break for about an hour.
It is funny how much I forget from one pregnancy to the next. And funny how much each one is different. Some of the things that helped a lot the last time, help not at all this time. I think I've conditioned myself to think of nausea when I smell lemons, now, because I relied on lemons so heavily in the last few pregnancies. They now aren't helping much - more the other way around. I can stand lemonade, but the smell of fresh lemons sets me right off.
Ginger also helps, but not as much as before, either.
This week has also had the first layer of repercussions from the morning sickness show up, too.
First was work. I got nearly nothing done at work on Monday, I was barely able to breathe without fogging out under the pressure of the nausea. WORKING? That was the last priority. Not throwing up stayed priority one all day long. Since then, it has improved (I've done a lot to make it better), but it comes and goes. I'm getting back into the swing of things, now, at the end of the week. I am remembering how to cope, and learning new ways.
Then there is home. Poor Will, I've been unloading additional tasks onto his shoulders on a nearly daily basis. Evenings, I'm barely functional - that's when I feel worst, both tired and ill. I can't bear smells; I just want to rest my forehead on something cool and shut out the world for about 4 hours. But there's dinner, and the boys need me, and there are things to be done. I managed to get my writing time in this week, so the book is still progressing. Will, however, is more and more burdened, and I'm not even present enough to offer my heartfelt thanks regularly. So he's over-burdened AND under-appreciated. Not the best way to generate nice warm fuzzy feelings. Sigh. As we go, we're working it out again, like we've worked it out before. It just takes work each time, and each time, it is different work, it seems. I'm having to remember that, and remind myself of it. And do it.
Speaking of remembering, I'm finally getting to the real reminiscing stage. Oh, yeah, I find myself thinking, I remember this stage with Gabe's pregnancy... I became a real pro at throwing up at work. I still chuckle about the meeting I walked into 10 minutes late, where the project manager (who was rather a joker) gave me a hard time about being late, what could I POSSIBLY be doing that was more important that his status meeting? Hmmmm? I smiled sweetly at him and told him I was throwing up for the last ten minutes, but if he wanted, I could make it to his meeting on time the next time... (I then proceeded to look around the conference room for the waste basket...). He turned gray, then realized he'd brought the response on himself, and chuckled with a grimace. No, indeed, show up late ANY time you want to... please!
I remember having a large container of water with lemons floating in it on my desk, every day.
I also remember eating instant mashed potatoes in a mug, with melted cheese on top, because that seemed to help. (ICK!)
Yeah, things are coming back, now. Just so long as they aren't coming up, I'm happy!
I'm taking it one day at a time. I can't think farther than that when I feel like this, anyway. Maybe that makes morning sickness a good thing. I don't have the energy right now to panic. Closest I got was a mild freak-out when I realized I was leaking EWCM (egg-white cervical mucous), and when I checked, my cervix was soft and dilated. That happened right before I miscarried the last time. But it also happened early in pregnancy with Brendan (earlier than this, but still)... so I decided to wait and check again in a day, to see if things changed. Yep, they changed - now I can't even reach my cervix. So, no data. Eh, I can't be bothered, I'll just sit here in the nice cool bathroom and attempt to breathe past the nausea for a few more minutes. I'll chalk it up as one more 'hmmm' for which I have no more information. Not like they check cervical condition at this point of a normal pregnancy, anyway, so who could tell me if it was normal or not? I just let it go, because I hadn't the energy to spare. Morning sickness, the cure for MOB (miscarriage on the brain)? That's a new one, but whatever works.
I've also told a few more people. Most of the people I have told at this point have the typical cautious reaction. But there's a woman here at work (one of the admins, funny and highly competent), whom I've known for years and years. We used to swap kid stories, and she was a great support to me the first time I was pregnant... Anyway, when I told her, she asked how far along I am. She was THRILLED that I told her without waiting the 'obligatory' 12 weeks. "Girl, enjoy every day of it you get. There's nothing you can do to make it stop, and there's nothing you can do to keep it going. Put it in God's hands and enjoy every day that you wake up pregnant!" Now that's an attitude I can get into. It nearly made me cry to hear something other than, "well, so far, so good, I guess", or even the more positive, "how are you doing today? (with that internal flinch waiting for the reply)".
So I'm trying. Trying to take it a day at a time, reminding myself that it isn't in my hands, I have no more control at this point than I do in the middle of labor. It will or it will not, and as prepared as I can be, I cannot force it to do what I want. So I am trying to remember to enjoy the fact that I'm still pregnant right now, and am NOT a ticking time bomb. Today, I'm pregnant. And that's good.
Staying in that zone takes some mental effort, but it is also bearing fruit. I've had my first baby dream. I don't remember anything but some glimpses of playing with newborn baby fingers, the way new mothers do. I can still see the little pudgy things, so tiny, so perfect, curling around my finger as my fingers move to explore the miracle created through me. That dream, or rather, the fragment I remember, was enough to make me feel ... well, real. Like I'm really pregnant, like I'm really growing a baby, and it isn't just some peculiar torture my body is putting me through for no apparent reason.
I'm gonna have a baby. At least for today, that is my truth. I can imagine little baby fingers. I can picture my children cuddling up next to another sibling. I can almost feel the warm weight of a new child in my arms.
It is starting to be real.