~ Making Peace
This past weekend my two best friends and I had our annual "Girl's Weekend" up at the lake - it was a break much needed! While it was great to spend time with my friends (and have no one to feed, change diapers for), it seemed like a divine weekend to sort some things out. This baby is a surprise and as much as I truly believe that every child is a blessing, it has seemed harder to have the rubber meet the road - to really flesh out our beliefs. I've had guilt about possibly not being careful enough regarding tracking my fertility/birth control, wanting a baby quite soon after Logan was born and not being content where things were. I haven't talked to anyone about how I felt because it sounds so ungrateful (and aside from my mother-in-law and one friend, there are few people who I know that have had surprise babies). Thankfully that one friend is one of my best friends that came on our weekend and we had plenty of chance to talk. She was able to remind me of something I told her about her son . . . how incredibly intricate the process is to conceive. It's literally like a dance where all the steps have to go just as planned to result in a baby. It was just what I needed to hear. For whatever reason, God feels like this baby is supposed to be with us sometime at the beginning of February and no amount of "what ifs" will change that. And you know what . . . I'm really glad. I feel like that simple sentence my friend said gave me the permission to enjoy this pregnancy and this baby, what a relief!
If that wasn't enough we also had our ultrasound on Monday. We are keeping the surprise (if it's a boy or girl) until the birth-day but regardless if it's a boy or a girl (like we think), I had to consider the possibility of either. It sounds like such a simple thing really, and last time I had no problem either way, but this time it has been different. My experience with Logan's first 3 months still makes me cringe . . . horrible colic, hours and hours of crying that nothing helped, waking up every 2 1/2 hours at night, having to sleep with him on my chest because otherwise he wouldn't sleep, etc. It sounds terrible to say, and it still makes me sad, but I don't have any really good memories from those months. Being severely sleep deprived, having PPD, a husband that worked 4:30am to 6:30pm and the shock of adding a new baby was just about as much as I could handle. All that to say that I am hoping for a completely different experience this time around. I love my son dearly and I know that I can be strong enough to have another baby like him if I need to be, but because I have been hoping for a totally different baby I had almost refused completely to believe that there was even a tiny possibility of this baby being a boy. It sounds so crazy but for some reason Boy meant The Same Experience. Once I realized how crazy that was, I've made peace either way and that has been even more incredible . . . two really big weights have been lifted off my shoulders, ones that I didn't even realize were following me.
We also had our midwife appointment yesterday and that went really well. I asked her about the pain I've had while carrying Logan and she suggested trying one of those hip/belly binders. She thinks it's a structural thing for me and that binding my hips with support might help. I hope something does because I have a feeling I'll be lugging my big boy around for quite some time still! I didn't get a chance to ask our midwife about possibly having a water birth but I will next month. In the meantime I have some research to do!
For baby stats: the heartbeat was 130 (sleeping baby) and I'm measuring a week ahead, size wise. My baby tummy is really starting to grow in leaps and bounds and it's great to finally look pregnant. Overall things are going well and I only have two more monthly appointments before we go to every-two-weeks. I can't believe it. Last time I wasn't aware of how the time would go by but I know that the last 20 weeks go by at least twice as fast as the first (of course excluding the very last month). We still have so much to do. There's a baby room to finish building, a son to transition into a regular bed, birth supplies to purchase, clothes to sort and wash, our basement to finish and all the holidays. In my moments of overwhelmed-ness, I am grateful that there is now some peace.