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Julie's Pregnancy Journal

Week 21 ~ October 4, 2003
~ Total Chaos

Do you ever notice when things seem to be going right on track there somehow seems to be a bit of a train wreck in your life? Welcome to this past week at my house!

We started off the week moving my best friend and her two year old son into our house for the next three or so months (until her husband is finished with school). There must have been at least 15 people at our house moving our things downstairs and their things in upstairs - and pushing my sanity right out the window. It was absolute chaos to start off the week . . . who knows where my toothbrush has ended up let alone my underwear and half my maternity clothes! Add in a very unsettled and overly-tired 15 month old and you get two very exhausted parents and a family of unraveled spirits.

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Chaos and disorganization are the culprits that steal any peace I can normally muster, put pregnancy hormones into the picture and you have a breakdown. It was awful, I was literally trying to conquer the world and every house duty I could think of in a day with zero energy or grace in a house that looked blown up (and still does). I will be the first to admit that I can only be wife to one and Mom to one (which was half my panic as I thought about it . . . ready to add another??) I called Evan in tears on Tuesday, I need help, I need a lot more help. He tried to encourage me but I think at that point no one was actually going to help, I needed sleep and someone to take care of some of the things that were piling on top of me (who knew washing dishes for 5 would feel like climbing Mt. Everest?).

This past week my body has finally begun to feel pregnant (which would explain why simple things are seeming so huge). I've had to slow down doing a lot of things like walking up the stairs, which I find a little disheartening but a good reminder that I am actually pregnant beyond my baby-belly. Maybe this means good foot rubs in the near future??

In preparation for the birth I've been mulling over hiring a doula. I don't know anyone that has used a doula and am not sure if our first birth experience will be a tool-box enough for the second so I keep wavering. I suppose I'd better start getting serious about it or pass on the idea . . . it's difficult to make a serious money commitment without knowing if it would be worth the investment or not. Our midwife did a good job offering some ideas when I was really needing help last time, but having someone there to just help me sounds awfully secure. Evan is obviously going to take a large roll in the birth but if it ends up being long or difficult, he may have a hard time again.

Aside from our crazy week of stress and chaos, added aches and pains, I have felt very close to the baby this week. Logan would never move like this baby does and who knows how long it will be before I get to experience it again. The constant movement has almost been a soothing sensation - someone in our lives is cozy and comfortable and at peace, and that feels good. Sometimes in the middle of the night when I can't go back to sleep because of it I try to soak it all in. We love you Little Bean . . .

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