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Julie's Pregnancy Journal

Week 23 ~ October 18, 2003
~ Emotions Runneth Amuck

The end of the second trimester . . . doesn't it say in a book somewhere, "Pregnant Moms beware, emotional wreckage ahead!"?? If that book doesn't exist, it should. It's probably normal, but I don't remember feelings like these at all.

It doesn't help that I received a letter yesterday that, if I understand it correctly, is informing us that we will be losing our secondary insurance as of November. Currently we're blessed to be covered by Evan's workplace but if the letter is what I think it is, we have a tough-go ahead of us. Our insurance (from my husband's work) requires each family pay $2,000 out-of-pocket before they begin their real coverage. With our secondary insurance, we weren't having to pay anything out-of-pocket for either Logan or my care for this pregnancy. In addition to that, our midwife and homebirth was being covered 100%. Now, I'm not even sure our primary carrier will cover any of our midwife appointments or birth expenses. What a frustrating situation! Winter is very slow for Evan at work and we live on an extremely tight budget during those months especially . . . there just isn't any wiggle room.

I have to call the insurance company before I get really stressed over it (because I may have misunderstood (please!) the letter), but I wasn't able to sleep well last night worrying. Last pregnancy we were both working and able to save and pay for expenses along the way (and even then we paid about $800 for unseen expenses). We are now over 1/2 way through this pregnancy without budgeting for birth/midwife expenses! Evan was reminding me this morning of God's faithfulness to our family and I know he's right. Never has God left us without a solution or a means but it is still really hard to stand faithfully when the situation seems so impossible . . . $2,000 truly feels like a million miles away. ::sigh::

An update on the pelvis pain (technically called "symphysis pubis dysfunction") . . . it hasn't become any worse - yay! Thank you for your prayers! The tummy/hip support belt has helped to keep things from being too painful in the evenings and as long as I don't sit for too long during the day I seem to be doing alright. There have been a few nights that I've needed to take a pain reliever or two but I don't mind that. While the pain isn't totally gone, I'm grateful that things are not looking so bleak.

Emotionally, these past few weeks have been something else. I seem to go from situation to situation that is just wringing me out. Logan and I visited a friend of mine that had her baby this past week and I was shocked at how tiny and fragile-seeming he was. Logan was NOT into letting me hold him (I snuck in a total of about 2 minutes of baby-holding) and as I drove home I realized what in the world I was getting into. Those darn pregnancy hormones got a hold of me again and I had a mini-breakdown. My poor husband had no idea what to say. It took about an hour of talking to realize that tough doesn't equal impossible and that I have a lot of people to help me (I really do). I know that sounds obvious, cliche even, but to really begin to understand it, that's where the change is for me.

I've thought many times in the past that if anyone truly knew how much work marriage was, they would never get married (I mean if they *really* knew). BUT, the work is more than completely neutralized by the joy, companionship, love, friendship, honesty, and more, so that it ends up being a trade I would gladly choose to say yes to again any day (even on the bad days). I think having a baby was similar to that for me - and I have to remember that while I know quite a bit more of what I'm getting into this time around, I have to keep in mind that there are equal (even greater I've heard) joys with two.

I never thought that having a second baby would bring up so much, and I hope it isn't frustrating to read, but I'm grateful things are creeping to the surface now. I would rather sort through feelings, emotions, situations and the like now as opposed to when the baby is here. A tired post-partum Mom dealing with some of this sounds completely overwhelming. Once Logan was born, having to revise my expectations of what our first-born would be like was so overwhelming and discouraging - it caused a lot of depression for me. I've been praying this baby and situation would be very different so bring on the sorting! I need to be prepared!

(Please understand how excited and grateful we are to have another baby on the way. It's not all doom and gloom . . . more than 90% of the time I relish this baby and the pregnancy - it's just incredibly helpful for me to be able to share and write out the going-ons of my brain throughout the week. (I just wanted to include this disclaimer as I know some of this is rather weighty). Thanks for bearing with me).

For baby news, I don't have a whole lot to share. We are both growing, and s/he is getting stronger every week. I can tell space is getting more cramped in there because some of the wild movements morph my stomach into all kinds of shapes. I've been getting a lot of leg cramps at night (my reminder to drink more milk) and amazingly have super strong cravings for a huge plate of mashed potatoes, apple juice by the gallon and any Halloween candy I see. (Again I realize why I still can't bring myself to buy the Trick-or-Treat candy yet . . . it would be gone in a few days!). Contrary to last pregnancy I'm trying to gain weight at an even rate, we'll have to see this next week if it's happening or not (if not, blame the candy!). Hee hee.

We wish you a wonderful week, thank you for reading!

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