Week 31 ~ December 15, 2003
~ The Wrong Pajamas
Have you ever gone to bed and tossed and turned over and over only to realize the reason you can't fall asleep is because your pajamas are uncomfortable? That's the only way I can describe how I have been feeling a little bit lately. Not really anxious but uncomfortable. I finished reading Birthing From Within (by Pam England and Rob Horowitz), this week and every time I would open the book up it made my mind run a million miles an hour - it's an incredible book for anyone wanting to prepare themselves emotionally for birth. Looking back I've realized that I prepared myself mentally with information and facts, etc. but I didn't take the time (or even think about the importance of it) to prepare past that. As I was reading the book, I didn't do all the little projects they suggest but just reading it was well worth the time.
Anyway, back to finishing the book . . . there are a few chapters at the end that specifically deal with birth partners and what they can do to help, suggestions, how to look at birth (i.e. be prepared to have a thick skin so your feelings don't get hurt, etc.) and I was thinking how I wished Evan would read those chapters. I even told him he'd probably want to read them, but that is as far as that suggestion went. He is a wonderful man but the birth of this baby affects him differently than me (of course) and I think he is thinking he can do what he did last time and it will magically have a different effect and outcome. So what is wrong with that thinking? It may be a different baby and different labor but it is still the same person laboring! I've changed since Logan's birth but probably not enough to cause that magical moment he's wishing for (if that's even possible).
We've talked about what happened last time but in general it ends up being a bit of an argument - he says I hurt his feelings or that I didn't want to do any of the suggestions they made, etc. I say they didn't make any suggestions, etc. and we wind up in a circle. He wants me to make a list of things he and my best friend can do and I want him to do some of his own research/reading/preparing of his own so it's not just ME doing all the preparation for this baby. Should I make a list? Yes . . . and I will. Do I still wish he would involve himself a little more in this part of the baby? Yes. After doing a little soul-searching I realized I just want(ed) Evan to be the perfect labor-support person for me (aren't all husbands supposed to be their wives' perfect helper? ) but that that expectation could be totally unrealistic for him. He may never get to the place of being the helper I want or need, and he may not really want to be that person deep down, but being upset about it isn't going to help things. Our midwife said she would love to also act as our doula so between she and my best friend (who was an incredible help during Logan's very long, hard labor), I think I will have good support. I'm a little disappointed to be honest but I think in the long run shifting that responsibility (that I don't think he really wants) off his shoulders will help us both. Ahhh, the never-ending delicate dance of give and take in a marriage continues.
So it's been good. Things have seemed great with the baby . . . just growing and maturing. I've had a lot of ligament pains this week and for some reason have been really off balance yesterday and today . . . so much belly? I can't complain.