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Julie's Pregnancy Journal

Week 35 ~ January 13, 2004
~ Unfinished = Unprepared?

This week Logan turned one and a half - I can hardly believe that six months have passed since his birthday! Never has six months seemed like such a swiftly moving time period! I remember waiting and waiting for him to turn six months old - and before I know it he is going to be 2 and we will have a 2 year old AND a six month old! Ack!!

We had our first weekly-midwife-appointment this week and it went really well. I gained 3 lbs in 3 weeks and that was good. I still had protein in my urine but I'm going to see if really upping my protein intake this week (even more than I had the past few weeks) takes care of that. If not, I will stop worrying about it - our midwives don't seem concerned, so if there is no change and other things seem good then I'll just relax. The baby's heart rate was 148-150 bpm as always and s/he was moving well. I guess the baby is in a great position she said (yay!) - I think she called it LOTR. I've been concerned about mal-positioning because of what we dealt with during Logan's labor (his head was turned and it caused problems) so this was excellent news and it was the first thing I told Evan when I called him with the appointment update.

We've been working hard on the baby's room still and had a few friends who really know what they are doing offer to come help this weekend. It's almost completely sheet-rocked and has the door up between the water heater-room and his/her room! It's been hard to be patient for it to get finished because I know how little time there will be after the baby is here to do things like paint/decorate. I'm trying to hold back from nagging but it's hard to feel the "baby is coming" press and keep my mouth shut. I suppose that if we finish painting way late it won't be the end of the world. But knowing the project will be another un-finished one makes me anxious nonetheless. Ah well!

In the middle of a conversation with some friends this weekend the book Evan was reading, "The Birth Partner" came up. When I asked him how many pages he's read so far he said nine! NINE???!??! Dear God help me! My birth partner is not prepared and we have less than a week before having the baby is a real possibility. I about wanted to throttle my dear husband, I don't know if he thinks I'll hold this baby in until 2005 but it's either that or a real case of denial! And he wonders why I don't feel like I can rely heavily on himů ::rolling my eyes:: Are other husbands this way? ::sigh:: I am so afraid that I won't have anyone to *really* help me when it matters and that it will make a huge difference like it did last time and that without support we'll have to transfer to the hospital. It's one of my biggest fears at this point.

Actually, I think a lot of things hit a real cut-and-dry-moment this past week. I ended up praying before I went to sleep several nights in a row so worried about things out of my control. There are SO many possibilities that I don't have a say in that it's scary. I feel like I settled a lot of fears re: birth but as the day draws closer it's still really scary for me - what if the baby isn't in the right position? What if labor is really fast and hurts beyond what I can handle? What if labor is really slow and we get stuck like we did last time? What if a few of the people due the first week of February at my midwives' practice go into labor the same time as I do and one of them aren't able to come act as our doula as well? What if the baby comes and we aren't more ready than right now? What if???? It's enough to make a girl crazy . . . and anxious unnecessarily I'm sure. Part of the awesome moment of labor and birth is letting go of your control, I know, but it is really hard to go into with eyes open and anxiety aside. It doesn't help that the room is unfinished and Evan is not prepared . . . this is seeming so familiar to last time! If you have extra thoughts and prayers this week, I could use them.

Other than the things stewing in my mind things are going well. We are healthy and growing, chicken pox free still (yay!) and looking forward to the next few weeks transitioning us into parenthood again. Thank you to everyone who has e-mailed, I so enjoy hearing from you! I wish you all a wonderful week!

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