~ The Uncertainty Inside
This week it has become significantly clear that this road called "pregnancy #5" is clearly going to be a road wrought with faith, acceptance, flexibility and faith. Did I mention faith? And wow, that is lacking. I have attempted to pinpoint the unrest I've felt . . . aside from the chaotic, un-unexpected beginning of course . . . and it's been difficult. Was it fear? Worry? Why have I been so unsettled? I have a very dear friend who does something called EFT (Emotional Freedom Therapy) or as I call it . . . "Tapping". Last pregnancy I was having horribly vivid nightmares of my little one being born with a mis-wired heart and we were frantically trying to get it right once she was born, but she never breathed. My friend came over and did Tapping with me, and as uncomfortable as I was trying it (I wasn't sure what to expect), I never again had nightmares about that the rest of my pregnancy.
Finally at the start of this week I gave in and asked my friend if she could help me again. We spent an hour and a half doing the EFT and I feel TREMENDOUSLY better . . . but I still feel the light undercurrent swirlings of worry and anxiety. I briefly felt less sick for a few days and worried about that. I know "too much" about pregnancy and birth as a midwife-student/assistant (which I'm not doing right now) so I was thinking of this reason and that reason I was going to lose the baby. I called the midwives who have been doing my well-women care and asked for a progesterone blood test, and they told me to come in. Begrudgingly I did. And my blood test was fabulous, and my Hcg was fabulous and my silly self felt SO silly for the worry and all the wheel spinning for nothing! Agh. I apologized for my craziness, actually, and they laughed. The midwife told me that they tell their staff they are not dealing with normal women, they are *pregnant* women. I laughed. Ah, yes, I think I qualify in that group there, as silly as I feel about my emotional roller coaster.
So what is my point? I keep searching for something to make my heart feel settled instead of standing still and holding onto what has always carried me . . . my faith and personal strength/weakness. I can't control this or that . . . but I CAN have peace. And I can find a place of trust despite the uncertain things, the many unanswered "ack! What will happen when ___". I'm not going to lie, it's going to not be the easiest for me; I like pathways set out along the way - but instead I'll find a new peace, and I can feel it already. Whew. Unfortunately I doubt this will be the last you hear of the worry, but I am going to endeavor to balance it as much as possible.
I can say that today I trust that this is right where I am supposed to be. And even though this moment I don't feel as connected as I have before, to this little person, I will. Because my heart is big enough for someone else, my life will adjust to include someone else and destiny gave us someone else. So here we go.