~ Returning Back to the Familiar
We have just returned from what was supposed to be a lifestyle change. The first night in my own bed was like heaven. I played the "pregnancy card" to get us back here. Explaining that I simply cannot tolerate a major life change right now, maybe after the baby is born. It is the truth though. I do not feel mentally up to it.
Everyone was angry at me, including my daughter who had bought into the idea of moving too. I may have just made the next six months of my pregnancy hell because I am most likely going to have to go back to work. This is the first pregnancy where I have had to work. I know that there is someone out there about to say: "Well, tough luck lady! I worked through all of my pregnancies." But give someone who has never had to do that, the opportunity to adapt to her new reality.
I start my new job on Monday. I do not want to work, but I am doing so for the sole purpose of paying bills. Especially, considering that it is psych nursing. Big kudos to mental health workers! Admittedly, I am probably the least likely candidate to work in this area of nursing. I know myself. However, I briefly worked per diem shifts in a woman's drug rehabilitation center and found myself appreciating and feeling attached to the women (not all) I worked with. I felt as though we respected one another. Admittedly, I did not come out with a profound understanding of the cycle of addiction. Instead, my lesson was to learn how to empathize as best I could with their plight. My mother, a clinical social worker, informed me that so many women who abuse drugs are childhood victims of physical and sexual abuse and/or mental health sufferers that are self-medicating. This helped open the door to my consciousness. Before, I just had a "No one is making you take those drugs" -type of attitude.
Considering my recent decision, I needed to get a job quick before I started showing and then no one will hire me. I think my stomach is definitely showing now, but since I am already chubby I suppose that it could be mistaken for F-A-T. I wish it was part-time, but they do not have anything part-time available. Well, let me thank God for what I do have and not complain.
I walk slower these days. "Mom, you are walking like a pregnant lady," my daughter told me the other day. News flash! Life has slowed down for me or perhaps I have slowed down for life. Whatever the case may be, I am happy for the respite. I was moving at lightening speed before all of this. For the first time in a long time, I am practically living in the present. "I'm pregnant. I am having a baby. Everything else, I will cross that bridge when I get to it and not a second before."