~ Propped Up
I have become what feels to be an 80-year-old overweight woman overnight. I have to strategically maneuver my body, especially when standing up and getting out of bed. My body tends to slump forward, which I find myself constantly correcting with an exaggerated erect posture. More over, I can feel all this weight decorating these old bones.
My life has become quite ritualized. If any of one daily rituals is disturbed or out of place, then my day does not seem to go so well. I cannot sleep well unless Syed rubs my back and abdomen (that might be more like a baby than an elderly woman). While lying down, I prop my enlarged abdomen with one of my fluffiest pillows like a kickstand in order to sustain a comfortable side-lying position.
My organizational, memory and perceptional skills are occasionally compromised. There is much debate about the actual existence of "pregnancy brain." Apparently, there is nothing scientific that suggests its existence. I believe it though. Syed jokingly threatens to take me to the local psychiatric hospital if I keep getting confused. I can just be plain forgetful at times. I think it's the fatigue.
I function well in my job, perhaps because so much of it is routine. It is a rare day when I come across an unrecognizable health situation. Most of my clients suffer from any combination of the top ten most common complaints. But one can never become too comfortable, because every now and then someone comes along with something that you have never seen before.
My lack of ambition or desire to commit myself to anything--long-term thoughts or plans has to be the most remarkable issue that I am dealing with. It could be something hormonal stemming from the pregnancy or just simply that my mental thoughts have been perpetually stuck in the present (or very near future--two months from now maximum).
I have some very important tasks before me like taking my boards and applying to doctoral programs. However, while these are extremely important to me my most pressing concerns seems to be stuck on the simplest things like eating a balanced diet daily, nightly back and stomach rubs, and getting the environment organized for the baby. No matter how I try to push beyond them, the more they dominate me. I am not depressed or lazy, but no matter how I try to refocus, my mind cannot seem to wrap around anything else besides this pregnancy and the baby that's coming.
It could very well be Mother Nature's influence, instinct, or just common sense (not enough energy at hand, so let's just deal with the things that are the most pressing) and everything else has to fall to the waste side. It is perplexing to me because I have always traveled ten steps ahead of myself. At the start of this journal, I admitted that I seriously felt as though I could be pregnant on the side while in graduate school and working two jobs. I believed that I could remain relatively distractionless, keeping at my many tasks and while incidentally being pregnant, until the baby's birth. Boy, I could not have been more wrong and I am glad that I was. Why?
Because the process of bringing a new soul, a new soldier, an incarnated angel (with a long arduous gestation period and an even longer basic training/orientation period), into this world merits much fuss and attention. It is a life changing moment for all concerned; another human is coming hopefully to make this world a better place. That deserves a lot of attention, especially from those who are responsible for christening his/her path. I have been an absolute machine these last four years, hardly if ever slowing down. It would take a baby to slow me down.
Well, I have definitely slowed down almost to the point that I am standing still--albeit propped up with support.