Weeks 18 & 19 ~ October 9 - 22, 2005
~ Completely Random Ramble
First and foremost, I want to say thank you to all the women who have written me in response to my last entry. It really did help, not just to get everything out of my head, but to hear back from so many people with their experiences, support, and thanks. It truly has been one of those really sappy "if I can help just one person by speaking out about what I have gone through, then it has made it all worth it" movie moments. Next thing you know, I'll be selling the rights to my story to a major Hollywood studio, and retire with all my money up in my fabulous snowy mountain cabin/enormous mansion and sloth about in front of the fire place all winter with my masseuse. Meanwhile, all of you will be shelling out $8+ a ticket to see Christina Ricci in her Academy Award winning role as me, with Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" blasting in the background, and you can think about how you all knew me when I was just a lowly blogger... Too much? Well, maybe. (Though I really DO listen to Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" constantly, but that's more to do with my unholy crush on Steve Perry. I know, it's gross.) But anyway, in all sincerity, I've appreciated your responses...
Well, an update on how I've been feeling since I'd last written (an eternity ago... ) It's two steps forward, one step back with this sadness/insanity thing. Aaron and I have had lots of talks in recent weeks, some more, well, dramatic than others. He's trying really, really hard to understand, but it's so difficult without him having any frame of reference as to how this feels for me. I get upset because I don't know how to properly explain exactly what I'm feeling, then he gets frustrated because he doesn't understand, and the whole thing is a big fiasco. We had one huge, weepy blowout last week, and I'm hoping that that's about the last of it, as I cannot imagine possibly being any weepier. The bright side, however, is that it really got us down to the root of our problems, and now I can clearly see exactly what it is that we need to work on. This alone is an enormous relief, because now I know that I'm not insane for no reason at all, I've found the source of the madness! I know just exactly what it is that will set me off! We can now start taking drastic measures to avoid it! Let the healing begin! Phew!
The problem is this: I need help.
And, no, I don't mean mental help, thank you very much.
I need help in our new life, and I need to not have to ask for it, and especially I need to not have to nag after Aaron to get it - nagging doesn't make anyone involved feel very good! Now, please, don't anyone get me wrong here, Aaron is amazing to me. He works hard to support our home, and us and still likes to take me out for nice dinners, or to buy me little presents. He devotes the bulk of his free time to me. Just the other night, he was able to get off early from work, and then above and beyond the miracle of his simply being home with me on a weeknight, he fixed me a special and very elaborate dinner to cheer me up. Lemon pepper chicken over rice with fresh onions and peppers and asparagus in a lemon butter sauce - it's ridiculous how scrumptious it was. We popped open a bottle of red wine to celebrate, and I had my (doctor approved!) very small glass, which was also incredibly delicious after so long. Obviously, he's a wonderful, caring guy. It's just that, with everything else going on, grand gestures are not what I need anymore. Sure, they're nice during the wooing, but let's face it; the wooing of Jennifer is over. He's got me now, whether he wants me or not...
So, we've been talking a lot about what it is he can do to help me out in a practical sense. Whereas I was forced overnight to make changes and allowances for our new life and the new baby, he gets to do it gradually. It's harder for him to realize that getting everything in our home off to a good start now is going to impact the baby in the long run. I'm not sure if he thought that, once we've brought the baby home, that's when he'll suddenly need to change old habits, but I need the help now! It's been hard trying to explain to him that, while I appreciate the dinners and the presents and the nights out, what I'd really like is if I came home from work one afternoon, and all the dishes were done. It means less work for me, and I can get better rest at night. Or if, when I wake up in the morning, there aren't napkins and empty cans sitting on the coffee table. These are gestures that mean the world to me right now! I honestly do enjoy cleaning our house, and doing our laundry, being domestic, but the reality is, I don't have the stamina to take care of myself, Aaron, the baby, AND the house without a little assistance. So, it's baby steps trying to break him of 28 years of old bachelor habits, and get him in the frame of mind of "how would this make Jenn feel right now?" We're talking, we're working on it. We'll get through this.
And, since I've written this, progress already! I was talking to him on the phone this afternoon, and this is what he said, "I did the dishes today BEFORE playing video games!" Hurrah! Miracles happen!
And somewhere, "Don't Stop Believing" is on the radio.
In other news . . .
We were supposed to have an ultrasound and gender screening this coming week, on Thursday the 27th, but it's been moved back to November 2nd. Very disappointing, and I was tempted to say to the lady on the phone, "I don't appreciate this very much, don't you know that I'm pregnant?!" But, seeing as how I was talking to a woman from an OB office, I went with the reasonable assumption that she indeed DOES realize that she's talking to a crazy pregnant woman after all. Oh well, we'll know soon enough.
Meanwhile, we've finally received our baby furniture. A coworker of my mother's had all sorts of baby things left over from her grandson, including a crib with matching changing table, and assorted baby swings, bath tubs, and floor toys/play units. It's great, they've only been used with the one other baby, and everything is in nearly new condition. Best of all, with a few things such as the swing, which we've already picked out matching patterns at the store to buy new, my parents were able to take them to set up a little babysitting headquarters at their own house. Can you say a little alone time for Aaron and I, post-birth? I can! It's starting to get a little bit exciting, and I can't wait till we get the last little bit of stuff out of the baby's room (AKA storage room of hell), so we can start painting everything and get our animal/zoo/monkeys monkeys monkeys-themed room in order. We've also picked out fabric that will become the backer of our baby quilt - butter yellow with sweet little baby animals on it. My Aunt Jane (who Olivia Jane will be named after) is a genius quilter, has gone all over the country studying and teaching seminars on quilting, and is handling the job - I cannot sew for the life of me! We have no idea what the end design will be, it's a surprise, but can rest assured that it will be gorgeous, all yellow and green and full of monkey goodness.
And finally, in what may be the biggest news of the past two weeks, I think I'm starting to be able to feel the baby moving. Right on cue, too, per what Dr. Abbott told us to expect. I'm not exactly sure yet about what it is that I'm feeling, but there's definitely something out of the ordinary going on down there. The best way I can describe it is the same bumping feeling you get in your stomach when someone has the bass up really loud on their radio. Last night, after much ambiguous goings-on in my belly, there was a series of several bumps in quick succession, which I am going to go out on a limb and say is the start of the kicking violence to come from the child within. I was half asleep watching TV in bed with Aaron when I felt it, and suddenly snorted awake (yes, snorted.) I grabbed his hand and put it on my belly, and, despite my less than cognizant, very sleepy attempts at explaining what was going on, he immediately understood. He shifted around and lay his head on my stomach and listened. After a minute, he described hearing a slight bump bump bump, which, as he said, distinctly didn't sound like "gut sounds," so it looks like Squirt is finally starting to have a little personality! Hurrah!