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Jennifer's Pregnancy Journal

Week 17
~ It Was One of Those Weeks

I am happy to report it wasn't "one of those weeks" with the pregnancy, just with my other children (but I'm not happy about that part). Since I home school, there are many things that I juggle throughout the day. I've never been any good at juggling. Not even with scarves. I don't doubt that God knows what He's doing, convicting me that home schooling is what is right for our family and giving us many children. It's myself that I doubt and struggle with. I feel like I fail in so many ways and I'm going to damage my children for life.

One of my home schooled children is the one giving me the most issues. This child allows themselves to get so distracted and that leads to their work not getting done in the time allowed. They fight me constantly about things they don't want to do (and this fighting is not just during school time. It's ALWAYS!). They are very stubborn and extremely independent (they always have been!). I will admit that my reaction to their behavior is not right and at times, adds fuel to the fire. I know that I am the adult here and that while I know they know how they should behave, I know even better. So I'm not dumping all the responsibility on these issues on my child's shoulders. I'm just needing a place to vent, I guess.

I don't usually write things like this because I don't want to give ammunition to people who are against large families and are against home schooling (although I do have a blog and I do write about our life there. But it's not as wide spread as these StorkNet journals are). However, I realize that those people are going to have their objections no matter what I say. I certainly don't want to come off as some kind of expert and a woman who "has it all together." Because I don't and I'm not!! I feel like I need to say these things because I'm real. I screw up. I succeed. I fail. I win. I have sorrows. I have joy. I have a strained relationship with one of my children. I have a good one with the other. I have arguments with my husband. And we can laugh together. I'm just as real as you are. I was in Subway the other day, getting lunch, and a woman behind me in line said, "You must be gifted to have so many children." I was having a bit of a hairy day (hence the lunch at Subway) and the word "gifted" wasn't the word I was thinking of . . .

On the other hand, my children are all worth it. My sister-in-law made a comment last Sunday at church that she was glad she was "all done" (she got her tubes tied. At 23. I won't go there . . .). She is seeing "all the problems" that women are going through to have children and she's glad she doesn't have to worry about it anymore (one of her friends is in her third pregnancy and just lost a twin. The funny thing about this friend is that her first child was born eight days after Malachi. Her second child, a preemie, was born nine days after Nathaniel and this third child of hers is due about two weeks after me. I tease her when I see her that she's copying me!). I felt so sad at my sister-in-law's comment. Isn't life worth it?

Nathaniel asleep in his highchairOkay, well that's enough of that. I'm sorry that this entry was more like a parenting journal than a pregnancy journal. But, you know, I'm not just pregnant. I'm a mother to five other Littles as well and there are things that go along with that! Trust me, there will be more talking (and complaining) about this pregnancy as time goes on. There will be a time when I will get huge, cumbersome, awkward and jut plain tired of being pregnant. And then you'll wish I'd go back to talking about my other children!

By the way, are my children the only ones who can fall asleep in their highchair and still eat their ice cream cones? Just wondering . . .

~ Jennifer

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