~ Time's Up
It's with mixed emotions that I write this entry. Things are just not panning out like I had hoped, planned for and dreamed of. For whatever reason, and the Lord knows why, this child is not meant to be born at home. I am now in my 43rd week and nothing has happened. Adam and I were going to meet with the midwife today (Thursday) and if things hadn't changed, we would consult a doctor. Adam and I got to thinking that there wasn't much sense in waiting 24 hours or so to call the doctor. So we went in to see one yesterday and it turns out that I have dilated 1/2 cm since 38 weeks (which is the last time I was checked internally). And that I was 50% effaced, but not because my cervix has been labored on. More likely because I have had children before. Which means all these contractions that I've been having off and on for the past four weeks have been doing absolutely nothing. Yeah, not very encouraging.
We then proceeded to have a biophysical profile (ultrasound) to check on the amniotic fluid. The baby's movements are good; we even saw her/him wiggling their big toe! At this age, they want to see the child "practice" breathing with the diaphragm moving up and down for at least 30 seconds. This didn't happen. However, the doctor and the technician said this is not unusual and that it doesn't mean the child can't do it. It just means that in that window of time they were looking for it, it didn't happen. The fluid was another issue. On a scale of 1 - 20 (20 being the best and 6 being in the danger zone), I was at a 7. We are not there yet, but we are defiantly borderline.
On we went to an NST (Non Stress Test) where the baby did okay, but not real great either. The doctor wanted to see the heart rate up at least 10 bmp above the base line when the child moved. It happened two or three times, but that's it. The heart rate did go up with movement, just not as high as he wanted to see. He said we barely passed that test.
I will be seeing my own doctor this afternoon, who is also on call this weekend. She is a bit more hyper about things than other doctors, including the one I saw yesterday. So Adam and I are anticipating her to want to induce me tomorrow (Friday) morning at the latest. Depending on what happens during my appointment today, it could be tonight. We have talked about it and while it's not what we want, it is probably for the best. There are risks for a woman like me to be induced cold turkey, with nothing happening. For one thing, they can only give me pitocin, since I have a scar on my uterus and they can control the amount of pitocin that goes into my body much better than the other ways to induce labor. Yes, I've had pitocin before, but I have always been in labor already and it was used to speed things up. Never to start things.
And there is a point where when they have done all they can do, if I'm still not progressing like I should be, we are looking at a c-section. I know there are worse things that could happen, but I seriously don't want a c-section again! If it comes down to it, and there is a medical reason to perform one, I won't fight against it. Just like I'm not fighting against being medically induced now. However, I'm also not young enough to take what the doctors say just because they said it or because I'm being pressured into something. I know how my body is with labor and if I can't be the advocate for myself that I need to be, Adam sure will be. If there is not a medical reason for doing something, I won't necessarily consent to it. Medical doctors do have their place, though. And this seems to be one of those times.
So, for sure, my next entry will be a baby story. It won't have the ending that I've been dreaming of for months now. But, considering my situation, it is for the best. My midwife agrees with that as well. She said that if we still wanted to pursue a home birth, she wouldn't abandon me, but she's not real comfortable with it either. If both the doctors and the midwife are saying something needs to happen very soon, I would be quite selfish and negligent if I allowed my desires and dreams to come before the welfare of this child. And I suppose even myself. I'm not sure how long the process will take or how it will end, but the end is in sight and when I start to get sad about how things have turned out, I try and boost my spirits with that. I'm not sure if it's working, but it's worth a shot.
Hope you all have a great week/end!