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Johanna's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

~ Meet Johanna!

I always hate it when people want me to introduce myself. I guess growing up a pastor's kid, I decided a long time ago that I was on display. Introductions always make me feel that way again. What can I possibly say about myself that could interest another human being? Well, apparently, I said something nice about myself once because I got a wonderful husband out of that deal. But, I met him one sticky, hot summer in Florida and I wasn't quite what I am now. At that point, I was a nursing student doing volunteer work as I prepared to finish my degree and looked forward to going on the mission field. I was 20, single and happy. Not that I'm not happy now; it's just my life isn't exactly what I thought it would be back then.

I grew up all over the southern US and some overseas as well. I was the second of three children to a minister and his wife. I did lots of mission work. I did lots of volunteer work. Then, somewhere along the way, my family dynamics changed. My mother went to medical school when I was in junior high school, and when I was 15 they started adopting kids. They haven't stopped yet. Well, my father thinks he's done now that they have accumulated four more children nine and under. My mother has her eyes on a little girl in Ethopia that she is determined to make her daughter. My sister is another doctor, and she would happily tell you how she is better than you if you give her half a chance. My brother is still pretending to be a student in Engineering while his newly acquired wife works her butt off to support his playing.

Then there is me. Graduated nursing school the day before Tom and I got married. He moved me to Chicago right away. The only time I have ever lived in the North, and one lesson I don't intend to ever repeat. I thought I would work as a nurse until our first child was born. I got pregnant 10 days after I got married, completely on purpose. Then, I got really sick. I found out that Illinois had some strange rules about graduating nurses, so I never got that job. At 6 months pregnant, I was sick, miserable and unable to find work. I made my husband return me to Kentucky which is where my parents live at this present point in time. I was just tired of being alone and I was tired of being lost. Chicago did that to me, made me feel lost. So, now I am a stay at home mom, with a degree I haven't used a single day in my life, almost 9 weeks pregnant with her second child.

Oh, this baby is planned, just like the last one was. In fact, I had a miscarriage in January just before I got pregnant with this one. So, really I should have been due in September. But, I am having a Christmas baby to replace a Christmas baby now. That baby was conceived on Christmas day, this one is due two days before Christmas. This will make my babies 23 months apart. Totally intentionally and I couldn't be happier. I just lead a boring life right now.

I'm only 23 and already I consider my life boring. But, you have to see it from my perspective. I started traveling overseas on mission trips when I was 14 years old. I intended to be a missionary. Then, in January, we found out that Tom and Emily (our daughter) have a bleeding disorder. We can't be missionaries. We only have one car, so I can't go anywhere. I can't go to play groups. Heck, I can't even go to story hour at the library on Thursdays. Of course, that is evident by the stack of books on my piano that are now 3 weeks late. There is no LaLeche League in my town. There aren't that many stay at home moms. I can't drive cause Tom has the car. And, we haven't even been able to find a church home in a year and a half living here. So, right now, I sit at home and watch my darling little girl. I am positive it will get better than it is right now. But, for now, my life is pretty darn boring. We eat. We play. We sleep. Mommy now and then takes time out to throw up on occasion. It's a wonderful life. But, it's mine, and I wouldn't give up being Tom's wife or Emily's mother for all the adventure and excitement in the world. This is where I am now, and I am happy.

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