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Johanna's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 10
~ Tired

Funny how life works out sometimes. I never would have though that two miscarriages would benefit me in life. As I counsel another friend who is going through the same thing, I realize why it benefits me now. I wouldn't want to do it over again, but just like the rape, it gives me a unique perspective to help others who are where I was. I remember the first couple of years after the rape, I was shocked at how many women I ran into that were rape survivors. I felt like they were just jumping out of the woodwork for awhile. But, then I saw the relief on their faces when they could confide in me something they had never told anyone, and I realized that by being vocal about my experiences, I could help others find healing for their own. I feel the same way about the miscarriages now, especially now that I am pregnant again. I can say to a woman, yes you are hurting, but it will get better. I remember that raw pain and what it felt like. You know what, it gets better. Most days, I don't think about any of that stuff anymore. My life is just too full to think about it. Even the miscarriage is a distant memory. Heck, I am too busy dealing with my babies to worry about what could have been and isn't now.

I felt the baby move this week! The only bright spot in a lousy week. Still really sick and fought so much with my mother in law last weekend, we aren't even speaking anymore. Okay, maybe that makes two things that have gone right this week! Better be nice, Tom likes to read these entries. But, I felt the baby move this week and I couldn't be happier. I mean a great big thump too, not any of those butterfly flutters you normally feel this early. So, aside from being baffled that I actually felt this kid so soon, I can't wait for Tom and Emily to be able to feel this baby. Not sure what Emily is going to think about being kicked by my stomach though. I can just imagine what will go through her head as I try to explain that there is a baby growing in my uterus. She's too young to ask questions, but she may understand some things. I can just imagine what mental image she will form when this baby kicks her.

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She's been quite a beastly girl this week. She figured out how to take her diaper off. Now, if I accidentally lay her down to sleep without clothes on, she strips in her bed. Only, she has decided that when she is naked is the time to poop, so she is getting LOTS of baths these days. She just laughs and plays in the tub. I am afraid she thinks this is the way to get a bath. But, what am I supposed to do; she has to be cleaned after painting with her messes. At least it should be a short-lived phase. Other than that, she is handling this whole thing quite well.

I, on the other hand, often feel overwhelmed. I actually let her watch TV yesterday. I was falling asleep and there was nothing I could do to stop it. So, I turned on Sesame Street and set her down to watch. Praise God, that is exactly what she did because I fell asleep for 40 minutes. Well, I kept waking up to check on her and make sure she was okay, but basically I took a nap. Really bothered me because there was no way I could keep myself awake either. Then, when she gets fussy, I feel completely useless. I can't seem to muster the patience to deal with her crankiness. I know I am not unique, but I feel like a lousy mother so much of the time now. She is just a little girl. I just keep telling myself that this too shall pass. I am, after all, almost through the first trimester. Surely, my energy will return soon and I can concentrate on being a good mother again.

week 11  |  week 9
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