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Johanna's pregnancy journal

Week 30
~ Procrastinating

Well, we all decided to get sick this week. Tom is still battling a migraine. Emily has a horrible cold, and I have yet another UTI. Mom got really upset with me when I had to tell her that the UTI was back, and pretty bad this time. Actually, I had been having cramps for a day and feeling just absolutely exhausted. BUT, I had to fill in for mom's nanny and was watching her crew, so I just assumed that it was fatigue from keeping up with them. When I started getting sick to my stomach, I figured it was time to check again. I had tons of white blood cells in my urine, ketones AND nitrates present. Mom demanded to know why I hadn't been taken my antibiotics. Gee, maybe because she never called the prescription in. Finally, we figured out that she called the prescription in to the wrong pharmacy, which was why she refused to call it in again when they didn't have it. So, I couldn't take what I didn't have!

Other than that, things are going well. I am procrastinating on writing my birth plan BIG time. I know I need to do it. Last time, I transported to the hospital for malpresentation and I didn't have a birth plan written out and already approved. So, I know that for my sanity and because I will be bucking some of the "rules" of the hospital, I really need that emergency birth plan as backup. But, I am just so determined to have this one homebirthed again, that part of me feels like I am giving up if I write that birth plan.

Don't get me wrong, I am doing really well in planning for the homebirth, right down to making sure everyone has food to eat while I am in labor, even having some lighter snacks for ME to eat on. But, the idea of conforming for a hospital birth just seems like a cop-out to me. I am really having to deal with some issues from Emily's birth now. I don't want that experience to create a mental block for this delivery, but I am not entirely sure how to move beyond it. More than anything, I keep remembering the pain. But, I have to remind myself that the pain was due to pitocin and the labor that I went through at home was NOTHING like what I went through in the hospital.

I am considering writing down what happened with Emily. I will have to do that for La Leche League soon anyway, and I really think that I can work through the experience and help prevent a mental block by writing it out now. It's not like anything could have been done differently with her; she was a forehead presentation. But, I still felt robbed of the birth experience I had wanted. I guess it didn't help that the first time everything was perfect. So, now I keep thinking, what if something goes wrong again. Frankly, I KNOW thinking that way can MAKE something go wrong and I have to stop. But, it's weird. I have never been nervous about giving birth before, and frankly, I am this time. The first birth, I just knew that I would do fine. With Emily, I had such a great experience the first time, I was actually looking forward to giving birth. But now, I am nervous. Everything should have been fine with Emily, and it wasn't. Even worse, the minute we hit the hospital, they were as rude, inconsiderate and obnoxious as they could possibly be. I spent most of my time fighting with them because despite their threats, I knew they couldn't do a darn thing without my permission. I fought with them so much, I finally left against medical advice and checked my daughter out. But, what choice did I have when they threatened to take her away, revoke rooming-in and intentionally sabotage our breastfeeding relationship just because they were tired of my arguing with them. It just doesn't help ease my apprehensions when I anticipate this birth. Most of me knows I can do this just fine, but a little voice keeps saying 'what if it's like last time'.

I definitely need to work through this, and soon. I am in the homestretch. I certainly can't afford to ponder and leave this issue unresolved for very much longer!

week 31  |  week 29
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