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Julie's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

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Julie and RobHi my name is Julie, and I'm 31. I'm married to Rob, who is 35 and we live in Los Angeles. Rob is originally from New York, and I am from Santa Barbara. We met in L.A, 7 years ago and from our second date were inseparable. We have an almost one year old daughter named Daisy Kathleen, and she is the light of our lives.

Before we had Daisy I had two miscarriages. The first one happened in October 1996. I was very excited about the pregnancy and was feeling great. One night after I came home from the gym I noticed I was spotting. I was 8 weeks along at this point. It was a very odd looking brown color and I immediately panicked. I called my doctor and he saw me the next morning. He did an ultrasound and much to our surprise saw a tiny little heart beating on the screen. My doctor had asked if I was having any cramps and I wasn't, so he just told me to take it easy and not to exercise for a few weeks and to call him if I started cramping or if the spotting got worse. About a week later I woke up and I was bleeding profusely; I was scared out of my mind. I called my doctor immediately and he did another ultrasound. Again, we saw the heart beating and my doctor didn't really have an answer for my excessive bleeding. I remember he actually had me come into his office after I got dressed and was looking in one of his medical books to see what it could be. He eventually told me that as long as the heart was beating and I was measuring right, try to relax and not worry. Yea, right! Finally the bleeding eased up, but returned at 12 weeks. I, again went in and to my shock the baby had died; there was no heartbeat. I was completely heartbroken looking at that ultrasound screen. Later that day I had to go to the hospital for a D&C. My husband held my hand as they wheeled me in, and up until that day I had never seen him cry. He was as heartbroken as I was.

My second pregnancy ended in March 1998. It was my first office visit and I was petrified something would go wrong like the last time. After my first miscarriage I decided to switch to a female doctor. She decided to do an ultrasound at my 7 week appointment to make sure everything was O.K. It wasn't. I had had another miscarriage. I couldn't believe it happened again. I was numb with grief. I remember the receptionist wanted to schedule my D&C 4 days away. My husband led me away from the office and I completely broke down in the hallway crying, "I don't want to wait 4 days!!!" Rob marched back into the office while I waited in the hall and I heard him say very firmly, "Get her in TODAY!" They performed the D&C 2 hours later. During the car ride to have it done, I told Rob, "I don't care how many miscarriages I have. I am not giving up." Do you know what he said? He said, "Those are the most beautiful words I've ever heard." Since this miscarriage was fairly early, I didn't have to be under general anesthesia, just local, and Rob got to be in the room with me while they did it. He held my hand the whole time. When it was over, we went home that night and just cried and cried.

In August of 1998, I was pregnant again. I took the HPT and showed the positive result to Rob. I could tell by the look on his face that he was guardedly happy. I knew he was scared it would happen again, but the strangest feeling came over me as I stood in the living room holding the test. I said to him, "you know what? This one is OURS". I had no idea how I knew that, I just did. I can honestly say I prayed each and every night that our baby would make it. When we had our first ultrasound and saw the heartbeat, we were elated but still in the back of our mind was the thought that something could go wrong. I kept forcing those thoughts out of my mind as soon as they would come, though. I kept telling myself this baby was going to make it. I don't think it was until we actually heard the heartbeat with the doppler through my abdomen that Rob believed everything would be fine. When my doctor did the ultrasound at week 20, and we actually saw Daisy in there, Rob and I were ecstatic. It was the most beautiful thing we had ever seen and I felt like I was walking on clouds for the next few weeks. She was born a strong, healthy, beautiful girl on May 25, 1999 ~ a full two weeks late (she knew she had it good in there!).

Now here we are expecting again, and we are extremely excited and happy. I am now in my 6th week and just this morning we saw the heart beating. I don't care how many times you see that, it is always amazing; it's a pure miracle. I really look forward to sharing this exciting experience through this journal!

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