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Julie's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 15
~ Combusting?

Well, this week was a total blur. So much so, that I can barely remember what happened! Let's see . . . I have been feeling a little more movement but not nearly as much as I did with Daisy at this point, which I think is odd because they say your second pregnancy you feel it sooner. Some days I don't feel the baby at all, and usually if I do, it's at night when I'm laying in bed. That's my favorite time of day to think of the baby, because all the outside "noise" is quiet and I can actually have a thought pattern that is completely uninterrupted! I am feeling really bad lately because I just don't focus on this pregnancy anywhere near as much as I did with Daisy. I know it's because I now have her to focus my love, energy and attention on, but at the same time I feel like I'm short changing this little one. So, at night I just lay in bed and think about Sweet Pea and wonder what he/she is going to look like. Will she look like Daisy, or completely different? Daisy looks a lot like Rob, so I'm hoping some of my genes will get passed down this time, ha ha! I also wonder what kind of personality he/she is going to have. Daisy is a very strong minded little girl; I could tell that from the day she was born (and the fact that she wouldn't come out! Even after being induced and in labor for a whole day and part of the night, she still wouldn't budge. hee hee). I'm wondering if this one will have the same temperament. I am also starting to worry about how Daisy will take to the new addition. She has this baby doll that she got from my friend on her birthday, and she carries her around everywhere, hugging her and giving her kisses. I'm hoping this is a good sign. I have these visions of her being really angry and not liking the baby, and I really hope that's not the case. I do know, though, that whatever her feelings are when we first adjust to becoming a family of four, in my opinion, she will turn out to be a great big sister. I just know it.

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I am also getting really sad about the fact that she won't be my "baby" anymore. I know all of these feelings are "normal" and I have heard other women express the same worries, but I don't think I was totally prepared to feel the way I do. I have always felt that one of the best gifts you can give your child (besides your unconditional love, of course) is a sibling, and I know deep down she will be glad she has a brother or sister, and yet I still feel sad that my attention will be diverted. I have 2 weeks off for vacation (although we aren't going anywhere, just relaxing), and I realized today how much I fully concentrate on just her when I'm with her. Since I work full time, I cherish all the extra time I get with her, and I was thinking, "gosh, when the baby comes, we won't have this time anymore." I almost cried at the thought.

If anyone reading this has any suggestions or thoughts on how to make this transition easier for us, please let me know.

On a happier note, Rob, Daisy and I went to a food festival on Sunday (a pregnant woman's heaven on earth!) and ran into a coworker of Rob's who I haven't seen in years. He kept going, "you look great!" and I'm thinking "yea, for a large, uncomfortable, sweating person" and the next day Rob told me that his coworker told him I didn't even look pregnant to him! I thought that was hilarious because I am feeling SO large lately. I am definitely showing; he must've been looking at someone else, ha ha! Anyway, that made me feel good. I am going maternity clothes shopping tomorrow. I am already sick of the stuff I've been wearing. I need more summer clothes; it is extremely hot now, and I need some lighter fabric, or else I'm going to combust! Usually my body temperature is very cold, but whenever I'm pregnant I am always hot, hot, hot! (well, I guess that's what happens when the "oven" is on!) The fact that it's summer is not helping matters much in this area.

I will try not to combust during this next week :)

Pregnancy Week By Week Guide ~ Week 15

week 16  |  week 14
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