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Julie's Pregnancy After Loss Journal

Week 20
~ Depression

I'm going to start this entry off by talking about something I was not going to even mention at all, because I am usually not comfortable talking about the negative feelings I've been having. After thinking it about it though, I realized that if I left out what is going on with me right now, then, in a way, I would be cheating, and not revealing everything that is going on with me and my pregnancy. Another reason I am bringing this out in the open is because if anyone is reading this and going through the same thing, I want them to know they are not alone. So, with that I will tell you all that I have been diagnosed with depression, most likely pregnancy related.

I started feeling "not quite myself" about a month after I found out I was pregnant, and it has just escalated month by month. At first I attributed my feelings of depression, anger, of being overwhelmed, to "pregnancy hormones" but as time went on, and I was noticing I was losing my temper more and more, and just feeling so unhappy I realized that it was something more than that. I then started blaming others around me for my unhappiness (it's called denial!), including my husband, my job (and coworkers), my schedule . . . basically I was blaming everyone for me being miserable, and was unable or unwilling to look at myself.

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The turning point came when I completely blew up at Daisy for something that was so inconsequential that I don't even remember what it was right now. I started crying wondering, "What is wrong with me? This is not me!!" I sat down and backtracked and realized it started right after I found out I was pregnant. The next day I spoke to my doctor about it. She was so wonderful; I really like her a lot. She listened to my story for almost an hour, all the while asking me questions. After hearing my story she said she would like me to try an anti-depressant (Prozac). That scared me big time because I don't even like taking Tylenol when I'm pregnant. I figured I would just go get the prescription filled and may not even take them. I had two more bad days in a row and realized I needed to take them, but I was still unsure so I called my doctor again, apologizing for being such a pain! She said the major "risk" that they mention on the pamphlet is of miscarriage and that usually applies to those in their first trimester. She said that since I'm at week 20 that that doesn't really pertain to me. She also said that I need to weigh what I feel the risks are of taking the meds with the fact that I am having trouble coping with my life, and that could possibly affect Daisy. With that, I started taking the medicine. I will not let my moods affect Daisy if I can help it, and that is pretty much the only reason I agreed to take it.

I've been on it for a week and have noticed my patience level is 100% better. I don't feel "drugged" at all, which was a fear I had. I also had visions of myself being all goofy and laughing a lot! ha ha. Luckily that isn't the case either. I think basically it is just taking the "edge" off of my erratic emotions I had been having. I have since started calling them my "chill pills" (I do have a sense of humor about the whole thing, I think it's the Irish in me! Laugh at inappropriate things! hee hee). I do hope to wean myself off of them before Nicholas is born, however. I am worried that the longer I am on the meds, the more likely I will need them to function.

I have learned a lot about depression from this. I used to think that if someone was depressed, they were miserable all of the time . . . every day of the week. I have since learned that you can have "good" days and bad ones. My doctor said that if I had let this go untreated I could have eventually gotten to the point of having ALL bad days, and that it is good I am nipping this in the bud. I also have learned that depression during pregnancy is very common. I had never heard of it before someone on the message boards I post to here on StorkNet told us that she was going through the same thing. If it wasn't for her, I would have never known that there was a condition for what I was going through. I had heard of Post Partum depression, but never that it could happen *during* pregnancy. This is just one more thing I had no clue about until it happened to me, and now that I know about it, and am experiencing it, I want to make sure that if someone is reading this and not knowing what is wrong with them, please call your doctor; there might be something you can do to help yourself.

'Til next week :)

Pregnancy Week By Week Guide ~ Week 20

week 21  |  week 19
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