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Julie's Pregnancy Journal

Week 16
~ The Decision to Get an Ultrasound

This has not been an easy choice, itís been a bit complicated because of our past children (two of whom have special needs) and the knowledge that ultrasound is not proven 100% safe. We avoid dopplers for the same reason, but I have felt from the start of this pregnancy some . . . hesitation about being as technology-free as I was with our last baby (who had one 5 minute ultrasound to rule out twins and that was all of the exposure he had). I had total peace re: that choice last time and I have struggled rather a lot this time with finding that same peaceful feeling about similar choices.

I have worried some what others might think about my choice to do an ultrasound knowing the risks, after MUCH soul searching and being very honest with where that feeling is coming from, I had to act on the desire to have an ultrasound done. I feel that my inner sense is telling me to have the ultrasound done (in particular, to check for heart issues) and while Iím pretty darned crunchy (ie. Non-medical) at heart, I feel that I can also be wise and like I need to have this procedure done. It is obviously my prayer that we find absolutely nothing wrong with the babyís heart or otherwise, but I wonít feel peace until I know . . . for this pregnancy and this baby it feels right.

Our ultrasound is scheduled for a week and a half from now (the earliest we could be scheduled), but weíll share the findings, wish us well!

This week my husband was able to feel the baby on the outside for the first time! It was SO awesome, his face lit up and he grinned ear to ear. He said it was light but he felt it several times. When he sat down he smiled and said, ďItís going to be cool, HonĒ. That is music to my ears. Heís right, but weíre BOTH starting to realize it now. :sigh of relief: We wonít implode with little ones as young as we have. People *will* get over their annoying rude comments and thoughts. We DO have a wonderful family. Itís going to be ok.

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Obviously I have a lot to work through still, I swear sometimes I feel like Iím wading through murky waters as I sort through issues in my mind. Fears that I have about yet another baby that screams for hours on end every day, worry about juggling four peopleís needs every day and handling life so as to keep sanity at the same time. I donít have a single friend that has four children; they have three or less and most of the time their ages are farther apart. Uncharted territory can be a little scary and I feel thatís where Iím going. My life has often been the one plowing a direction first (and usually not having happy people around me because of it), but it usually ends with a positive result. I canít imagine this will be different Ė but Iím not sure I have the personal oomph to jump in with both feet and to be fearless. Maybe something about knowing what Iím getting into. Ha ha! Well, I will say that if I come to terms with things as the baby nears joining our family, I will know all that it entails. Iím walking in with eyes wide open.

Itís terrible how my metaphors keep sounding so intense. Our kiddos have been challenging from day one in the past and have screamed from 3 to 6 months in length. Knowing thatís been our pattern, keeping realistic about knowing what we likely have in store is sometimes a little hard. I keep praying for that ďeasyĒ baby, but so far we have bold, firey children that are our biggest love and our biggest adventure. Iíll take an ďeasyĒ one, but Iíll plan for a more difficult baby Ė thatís a good plan I hope!

Until next week . . .

Blessings,

~ Julie

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