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Julie's Pregnancy Journal

Week 23
~ So if they are like this on the inside . . .

WHAT does the future hold for us?? This baby is active like none I've had! My youngest was wild - flipping and jumpy and bumpy . . . but this baby is moving all the time. This is the first of our babies to actually wake me at night with movement! I am wondering how "in for it" I'm going to be when this little person is on the outside. Truth be told I've always wanted (wished for?) a mellow child. You know, the type I see so many people having where they could almost be forgotten because of how content they are, how chilled life seems to be for them? But, uh, I think I may be kidding myself. I don't think I'm stereotyping this little person really, seeing as how each of my kiddos were is in some measure how they are now . . . and I *guess* it's true that if THIS baby was mellow they might get lost in our non-mellow-children family so I guess it's only fair. But, man, what I would give for it all the same!

If I'm going to be REALLY honest, I'll say that I'm not looking forward to another high needs baby. If this little person is, that is going to make four high needs babies/children for me. That's just a lot for one family I think. Particularly because it's my family. I know I "get what I get" and that there's purpose to it (a method to the madness if you will), but I really really could do with someone a little more on the content side. Because of three babies with reflux and a few other health problems each, I don't know what it's really like to ENJOY your newborn. To get lost in that time of being Momma to someone little. Seriously, I really don't. I know the life of "too many doctor appointments" and "too many medications, timing, etc." lifestyle . . . but I don't WANT to know that lifestyle. It's so stressful and takes so much of the joy out of those first several months. I want to love my babies in that cuddly love *before* they turn three months old. You know? I really am praying for that . . . but at the same time trying not to have my hopes up. I know expectations are a real killer so I'm trying to keep mine low. I don't want to expect THIS baby to be the "perfect" one or anything!

Well, it has been a really unhealthy two weeks for me. I'm on cold #3 and can't breathe yet again. I won't digress with all the fun I've had working through the cold my older two shared with me, but there is something rather frustrating about being sick with no way to take much to feel better. In the end it's just rest and your body working it out anyway, but those DayQuil commercials make it look awful tempting to deviate! I've been joking that my brain has been leaking out my nose in a steady stream the last few days (gross, I know), but in some measure I'm wondering if it's true. Laugh!! I just don't think straight with a foggy head and adding in pregnancy and you have a whole new bucket of fun!

We just had our youngest evaluated by some early development specialists and it looks like we have slow-talker #3 (and they also have concerns about his physical abilities, social adaptation (personally, I just think he is scared of going down the stairs walking - even with some hands to help - and that his language is music, but that's just me) and his sensory regulation (again, he seems ok to me in that department too - busy and liking rough play . . . but I have a son with a sensory integration disorder and I can tell you that my youngest does not NEED like my middle son does (in that department)). It will be interesting to compare with the evaluators my opinion. I am not one to write things off when someone needs help, but I wonder how much of their "evaluation" (though cursory I realize) was about them being students vs. Graysen really needing further help. I guess we'll see. I DO agree he needs some speech nudging, and I'm fine with that, but I won't be hauling us all to therapy for a year - I've spent 2 years (1 - 2 hours a week) there . . . I won't have another little person grow up in a waiting room. Give me therapy at home or give me . . . rest. won't let him fall through the cracks, but I'm not in a place to go to weekly hour-long therapy sessions for three different issues . . . you know? Somewhere there is a balance of sanity and need.

Well that was a tangent, sorry! I'd keep rambling but I don't want to bore. I'm hoping to take some more tummy pictures with my best friend this weekend so I hope to have some more to share soon.

Until next week . . .

~ Julie

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