~ What If . . .
I want to preface this by saying I have never been pregnant longer than 38w 3d except one time in my life (my oldest son) and I know how spoiled this makes me sound having not gone to my official Due Date before. Having said that, I must tell you, expectations can cause a world of hurt. This week has been interesting . . .
So normally, I don't have expectations. Or if I do, I balance them some with "well, but ____ might happen (or not happen)" so that depending, I don't get let down by said expectations not working out. This has worked out pretty good in the past. Why that mode of operation did not translate into this pregnancy, I don't know. I should have expected with how DIFFERENT this pregnancy has been from day 1 (truly) that it *would* be this way, but I didn't at all.
So seeing as I am almost the most pregnant I have ever been (and am still measuring 4w ahead), I started to make a list of the positives of this situation. And yes, this is partial desperation to see the sunshine in the rain (or keep my sanity amidst the days passing), however you want to look at it.
As each day passes I get to:
- Spend another day being the ONLY one to hold my son/daughter.
- Wear that shirt I like for maybe the last time ever.
- Feel the squirms and tight pushes of someone from inside.
- Remember the absolute miracle it is to grow life.
- Go to sleep at night with everything in place and prepared . . . still. (That gives me so much peace!)
- Find another way to celebrate the next day (coffee from my special coffee-place, buying the makings for a belly cast, eating lunch outside with my 3 boys just because we can cram around the little table out there, sew something tiny for the little one coming, go out to dinner with my Honey).
- Expect the unexpected. There are very few events in life like waiting on another life to make their entrance into the world at their timing.
- Believe that this baby and my body know how to, and will, work together to be powerful, safe, and inspiring.
- Trust birth as a whole, and to trust this birth specifically.
- Relish the roundness of a tummy without any guilt or thought to my stomach muscle strength.
I could go on and on. And I've learned a lot this past week that I think I can transfer into my doula practice later on . . . I *understand* the world of expectations, but I don't think they serve us in any way when it comes to this arena of life. There is no way to escape the season of pregnancy faster than you should (if you respect its design and delicate timing) . . . you (me) are a part of the season until it is over. You enjoy it or you don't, you learn from it or you don't, but when it comes down to it, as each day passes, I get to explore, I get to honor a season of my life that won't happen again. I get to respect the woman that has this body, the baby that was created inside and the process we will soon take part of.
It started off just as dates and expectations, but it's evolved to be a state of mind for me. It doesn't mean I don't go to bed at night with a twinge of "Please let it be tonight" or wake up for the next day with a little bit of a sigh, but I have always figured that every situation has a purpose, and in this one, it's learning to respect the uniqueness of pregnancy and birth from just one more facet.
Until next week . . .